thistlechaser: (Moon)
[personal profile] thistlechaser
Last week when I donated blood, I had a conversation with the tech drawing it. She told me how good my veins were, and I told her I thought that must be because I had lost weight, that they used to have to take it from the back of my hand because they could never find one at my elbow. She asked me how much I had lost, and I told her. As usual, she was all smiling and happy for me and asked me if I was happy, if it had changed my life, all the same questions everyone asks.

I'm so tired of lying about that. Everyone who asks that always asks with a big smile. They want me to say yes. They expect me to be happier now. They want me to say that yes, it changed my life.

But you know what? That's not really true, and I'm really tired of lying about it. With a few exceptions, I was happier when I was heavier. It sucks that now I always have to worry about what I eat, to weigh myself and worry all the time. To endlessly be worried about regaining my weight. It had been wonderful to be able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, as much as I wanted! Now? I eat a piece of sugar free candy and worry it will start me on the road to regaining my weight back.

The problem is, the tech who drew my blood was heavy. As soon as I said that it hadn't changed my life as much as I had expected it to (I did give her two examples of positive ways it had changed things), I saw the disappointment on her face. It wasn't until hours later that I realized that by me not being positive about weight loss, it might have made it harder for her. (If, when I had been heavier, someone who had lost a lot of weight spoke not-positively about it, it would have made me less interested in trying to lose weight myself.)

Ever since then, days now, I've been thinking about that. Where does the responsibility fall? Do I lie and help people, or do I be honest and maybe not? (I suspect that I'm an exception, I think most people would be a lot happier after they lost the weight.) The thing is, it's bad enough to not be happy about losing all this weight, but it's even worse than I have to keep lying and saying I am. (Usually I try to keep the subject from coming up at all, but sometimes it pops up before I realize it.)

All that being said, I wouldn't switch back to heavier, just for health reasons. Plus it's nice when I meet new people at work, to no longer know I'm the fattest person they've met in their whole life.
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