Northern Cal, socially clueful folk? :)

[thistlechaser]

Since I have the social skills of a large rock, I'm looking for a bit of advice:

A co worker is getting married. While he's not a member of our work-group, he's as close as you can get to it without being one. I work with him on a weekly basis, and our desks are next to each other. I like him (as a co worker and a person, but we don't go and hang out after work or do anything outside the job).

He's getting married. While I'm not invited to the wedding, I'm invited to a ... I guess dinner? To some sort of wedding-related social thing for friends and co workers not invited to the wedding.

While I like the guy, I'm not going. I'm assuming since I was invited that I should send a "gift" (check). My question is, how much would be a good gift? Because I like him and work with him on a regular basis, I do *not* want to look cheap. I was thinking $50? Anyone have an opinion on that sounding high, low, or okay? (I specify northern California because everything's more expensive here, so I'm assuming gifts would be larger as well.)

Comments

[sillysophia.livejournal.com]

Usually, you can request a gift registry list thingy. Couples set up lists at stores of stuff they want. That's how my friend picked her present.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Yeah, if it was a regular wedding (and I was going) I'd do that. But since I'm not going, I thought I'd probably do something I could put in a wedding card...

[laurelwood.livejournal.com]

I asked my sister (who attends an insane number of work-related wedding events) this question and she provided me with a complete breakdown of what's monetarily appropriate for all the varying degrees of friends, acquaintances, coworkers you like, coworkers you don't like, etc. etc.

She says $50 is more than adequate for the social scenario you described. (And I can vouch for the fact that she errs on the generous side of gift-giving.) Hope that helps!

[loup_noir]

$50 is generous. You can also punt and give something that looks nice, but isn't too expensive. Wind-up toys spring to mind. Erm... I'd say massage gift certificates, but those tend to be more expensive than the $50. Best of luck.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Wow, thanks! (It's so great having good/smart/helpful LJ friends!) Now I just have to go out and find a nice card...

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

I thought about a box of desk-type toys, but his desk at work is empty of ... well, most everything, so I suspect he might not like that. Then there's the whole wife-element, so I figured money might be better than fun/creative things.

Thanks for the ideas though!

[fabularasa.livejournal.com]

Let me get this straight. You are NOT invited to the wedding, but you are worrying about what to get the happy couple? Absolutely no etiquette authority would tell you that a gift is necessary or expected under these circumstances. Generally, wedding gifts are for a specific event -- namely, a wedding, and are given in response to a wedding invitation. If you're not even invited to the wedding, I'm appalled that anyone would expect you to spit up money for a gift. It's just. . . beyond rude, actually.

But, if all of your co-workers have been guilted into it, you don't want to look like the bitchy one, so you'd better cough up the cash. Fifty dollars is a tremendous amount of money, especially when (and I can't emphasise this part enough) you haven't been invited to the wedding. I would try to get away with a lot less than that, personally.

This seems like the appropriate place to insert a rant about the degeneration of a solemn, dignified affair into a media circus requiring corporate sponsors, and the confusion sown among well-meaning people by it all. Of course, having a supper party for those not actually attending the event is an old and venerable tradition; it's what the gentry used to do for the villagers and serving folk. It's nice to know the old customs still have some life in them.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Let me get this straight. You are NOT invited to the wedding, but you are worrying about what to get the happy couple?

Yes and yes.

I'm appalled that anyone would expect you to spit up money for a gift.

Oh, nope on this one. No one is forcing me into it, and I don't know anyone else's plans (if anyone has them), I just want to do the right thing. I like the guy, and while he likely makes a ton more money than me, I still want to do the "proper" (and nice) thing.

Hm, thanks for the info. More to think about!

nothing

[elo-sf.livejournal.com]

$50 is WAY TOO high.

I rarely give $50 if I'm at the wedding unless it is a very close friend.

Re: nothing

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Huh... Okay, thanks!

[metron-ariston.livejournal.com]

Wow, I was just going to write the same thing.

So rather than being wholly repetitive, I'd also suggest that if you realllllly want to be nice, and do actually like this guy, just get them a twenty dollar (or so) gift certificate somewhere. Fifty bucks is generous to a fault, and unless you have piles spare cash laying around (send me some then! =D), it seems silly to give that much money to someone you're not really friends with and hopefully can't get you fired.


Yarr, I be cynical when it comes to weddin's.

[tersa.livejournal.com]

I agree with the later commenters that $50 seems way high for a wedding present for someone who is just a co-worker, and especially for one who isn't inviting you to the wedding.

My suggestion? See if anyone else in your office wants to go in with you to get a $40 gift certificate to Watercourse Way. Or, get lots of people together to do a big gift certificate. $20 isn't bad to spend on a co-worker who you share desk space with, and just $40 would get him and his new wife an hour in one of their hot tubs.

You can check out their website for how to get the GCs, which are available in any denomination.

[spenceraloysius.livejournal.com]

I was about to write the same thing. Instead, I'll state concurring opinion with the eloquent reasoning already provided. As you do not 'owe' a present, I would also say that anything you choose to give the happy couple is beyond the call of duty. If you've been invited to a dinner so that they can fish for presents, then that's just damn rude of them.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't think he set up the dinner just to get gifts, but of course I can't ask that...

I would also say that anything you choose to give the happy couple is beyond the call of duty.

Whew! That'd be a good thing, then I probably couldn't go wrong.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Right, he has no hiring/firing power at all. I was thinking of a gift certificate, as that's a little less... "cold" than a check...

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Oh, good idea! Thanks.

[gconnor.livejournal.com]

Hmmm..

1. If you're not invited to the wedding, don't think of this as a wedding gift.

2. If you are going to dinner, and you get the idea that other people are giving gifts, get something small. I would not spend more than $25 in this situation.

3. If you're not even going to the dinner, I would not even worry about getting a gift, get him a card :)