How do you get forgiveness from a dead man?

[thistlechaser]

About twelve years ago, my (divorced) mother was dating a man who lived in New York City. We lived on Long Island at the time, which was an hour or two outside of the city. I didn't have any strong feelings for him either way.

When summertime arrived and I needed a job, my mother suggest that I go be a dog walker in the city. I could stay with him and work out of his apartment. Partially because I liked dogs and partially because this seemed like a much, much easier thing than getting a "real" job, I agreed.

As anyone who reads my LJ knows, I'm not a people person -- this isn't something new in my personality: even when I was a toddler, my mother could never get me to play with others. I like being alone, and I need space to myself. Living in a one bedroom apartment with a man I didn't even know well was not a really great situation for me. However, to his credit, he did everything he could to make me comfortable. The living room pretty much became my bedroom, and he paid all the rent and didn't ask me to do anything except buy my own food. (He didn't just do this because he was a kind man, but he very much loved my mother.)

I had a really, really hard time that summer. Dog walking was much harder than it seemed (there were lots of year-round dog walkers already established, and even though I greatly undercut their prices, I made almost no money and couldn't barely feed myself). The living arrangements were the hardest thing, and though I wasn't a teenager at the time, I suspected I acted like one. I knew he was paying all of the rent and that I really should have been putting money towards that, but it was impossible for me. So instead of doing nice things like making dinner or something, I occasionally copped an attitude. On the rare occasion he asked me to do something for him, I put up a stink before doing it. I knew this wasn't the right way to act, but having no space or time to myself for that long just messed up my head and I wasn't acting the way I might otherwise act.

There were other things, like household common goods (such as toilet paper) getting used a lot faster, that I felt guilty about but that I couldn't change or correct. And when my mother came out on the weekends, I seriously begrudged her wanting alone time with him instead of wanting to spend all of her time with me. (Once outside of the situation, I can see how wrong that thinking was.)

Eventually the summer ended and I left the city. A couple months later he died alone in his sleep. I hadn't ever apologized to him for how I acted when he had been good enough to put me up (and put up with me) as a guest all summer. Twelve years ago, and I still feel guilty and sorry about it... but what good does that do now?

Comments

[sileas.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that. But you were almost still a teenager. I'm sure most people understand that behavior and the stress you were under.

I always believed that people who died, know in some way when other people start to regret events that involved them. They'd somehow know you think of them and that you regret certain things.

*hugs*

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the thoughts. Hopefully you're right.

[loup_noir]

I don't know what religion(s) you follow, but I like to light a candle for the dead and ask God to take care of them. It may be pointless or not, but it makes me feel better. He may be gone, but you can still talk to him and tell him you wish you'd been a better person. All those little acts do count, if only for your own well-being.

[sharp-tongue.livejournal.com]

I can empathize. My grandmother died four years ago and the last thing I ever did to her was break a promise, and the last think I ever said to her was a lie. My chest still aches when I think about it.

There's no way to change it or fix it or do it over. It just... is, you know? So, since I can't get forgiveness from her, I had to forgive myself. Not easy and I still haven't really done it.

This probably doesn't make you feel better but I thought it might help to know that someone else knows what a bit of what you feel. I'm sorry.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

This probably doesn't make you feel better but I thought it might help to know...

It does help, yes. At least for me, forgiving myself would be a lot harder than if I could somehow still apologize to him. Seems odd, but it's true.

Thanks for leaving the comment.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

I don't follow any religions myself, though I do notice an odd conflict at times like this: I believe when someone dies they're just dead. Person dies, body rots, nothing else happens... in which case, me feeling bad/guilty now makes no sense at all. He's dead and gone, it's not like he could still hate me or be sad about it or anything, so I should be able to just get past this, but...

Anyway, thanks for the comment.

[aretina.livejournal.com]

If you were, at the core, the kind of person you think you were acting like, you wouldn't remember or feel badly at all. Your mind wants you to remember for some reason though-- maybe its a pointer towards something vaguely related that you think you need to improve. (I'm not saying you're an inconsiderate twit in real life now-- when your memory presents something, it's usually greatly exaggerated.)

If he and your mom spent time together every weekend they probably talked of you at some point. If you were being truly horrendous wouldn't your mom have picked up on it and demanded you home? He wouldn't have said as much, perhaps, out of respect for your mother, but she would have known.

He probably knew how little money you were making, probalby knew a lot about you from knowing your mother-- he might have empathized with the stress and poverty you were experiencing.

There's nothing you can do now for him, and he probably didn't lose much sleep over the whole thing. As you mentioned, he did this out of respect and love for your mother, and the fact that he was doing something for her would have given him some satisfaction even if the day to day aspects of it were not ideal.

I am sorry that you're suffering though-- regret is a horrible feeling.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the thoughts. I think you made some good points, and I'll think about them more.

[evilgrayson.livejournal.com]

My beliefs run very much counter to yours on that score, as I think you know. To me, the dead aren't completely gone. They don't have anything like the same impact they once did, of course, but there is still something of them around - and this time of year is when most people start thinking about those who've gone before them, which thins the barrier a little further.

My solution would be simply to sit and think about him for a little while. Remember everything about him that you can, do as much as you can to build up an actual connection with him, and then open up and tell him you're truly sorry. It won't heal the hurt, nothing can ever do that - but it can help you forgive yourself.

The past is just that. Past. Time to look ahead again.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Sounds like an idea. Thanks.

[countrymouse.livejournal.com]

My beliefs aren't the same as yours, but here goes: I believe that people "cross over". And this time of year (agreeing with one of your other responders) *is* the time when the "veil between the worlds" thins. What I do, when I want to "talk" to someone on the Otherside (other than just *talking* to him/her (sorta like prayer)), is write him/her a little letter. Write it as if you were sending it via USPS. Then put it in a box or someplace you designate for stuff going to the Otherside. Then forget it. Getting things down on paper helps a lot. No one else will see it.

Also, I think your conscience is still bringing this up so that it will help you to be a "better person" next time, whatever that next time will be. It might be a different situation, but one in which you will need to step back and evaluate what's going on and what you can do to improve matters. Do it as a tribute to him. He would like that, I think. :-) And you will know that *that* is how you can "make it up to him".

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Aw, those are some good ideas! Thanks, I might have to try them.

[sileas.livejournal.com]

*shrugs* I believe in the afterlife. :-)