Thistle's "MUSH Thingie".

[thistlechaser]

Since all the other PokeMUSH staffers are writing up stuff about their time on the MUSH, I figured I would as well.

Note: This is very long, and unless you played on PokeMUSH or want some insight into my messed-up mind, you will likely find this boring.



Since this is so long, I'll break it up into sections:

INTRO - About this write up.

EARLY HISTORY - The time before we moved to Byte-me.

THE POKEMUSH YEARS - Our time on Byte-me and later Mushpark.

CLOSING - The end of the MUSH.

MY TIME ON THE MUSH - Writings about my characters, RP, but mostly personal OOC things.


INTRO
I'm writing this for myself as much as for anyone else; I'm attempting to document our game's journey from PokeMUX until its close in 1/2004.

This document will be as honest as I can make it, however there have been times when I repeated a lie so often that it became truth in my mind. This is also as complete as possible, but my memory is fuzzy in places and I'm afraid some things will be mistakenly left out.


EARLY HISTORY


This is the story of the game that would become PokeMUSH: Pokemon Evolutions.


Sometime in 1998, a MUX based on Pokemon was formed (I believe it was called PokeMUX). Though I knew no one there, I joined up the week after it opened. My standards of RP were pretty high even back then, and so I had few people I enjoyed RPing with. However, the small group I found with similar standards did have fun. Little did I know that most of them were staff alts. At one point I was asked to become a Help Staffer, but I turned the position down. I was there to RP, not to work.


Stuff happened, all of which I heard indirectly through these staff alts, and then through the owner of the machine itself (who asked me to marry him, insane kid). Personalities clashed, and that the owner of the server was maybe 14 years old didn't help. I was told he scanned his penis and sent it to all the staffers -- I never saw the scan, so I don't know if it was true or not. But the staff made the decision to move to a new server, and two days later (an impossibly short time) we were moved.


A move from a MUX to a PennMUSH is sort of like a move from Unix to Windows: Everything needed to be recoded, nothing of the old database could be reused. Eventually things got running, and a new name was agree d to. Pokemon: A New Beginning (to represent how we had gotten away from the MUX's evilness). At this point I was still a non-staffer, but they had me on the staff channel because they liked me and because I had good solutions to problems.


In early fall of 1999, a Help Staffer (Takashi) bitched to me. He told me how this server was worse, that the owner was evil, etc. I was in a position to help. I knew mallen had a server, and so I went to him, bought him dinner, and asked what he thought about hosting us. To my surprise, he said yes.



THE POKEMUSH YEARS


This is where things get messy. Takashi (a lowly HSer) wanted to be Head Wizard. The current Head Wizards had issues with this, but as they were the ones who got the game out of a bad situation and into a worse one, Taka (and I) had little confidence in them. An additional twist in our move: the server's owner of course wanted to keep us there -- he (she?) didn't want to give up control of the game.


We somehow got the MUSH base started on Byte-me. We had no code wiz and no site wiz, so these things fell upon me at first, since I was the Mallen contact and I had the password. (Note: I was willing to do this because I wanted a good place to RP, and with all the stress and drama on PANB, no one was RPing.) I learned as fast as I could. We talked to the PANB staffers we wanted to bring to the new place (about half of them were worthless and we didn't want them), but in one of them we made a wrong decision. He told the owner of the old game, and those of us setting up the new game were all banned from the old place.


PANB accused us of attempting to steal from them. While this wasn't untrue, I wouldn't agree with calling it stealing. Our intent had been to move the game again, just as it had moved from PokeMUX to PANB. We tried to move the code and such over to the new MUSH, but none of us knew enough at that point to know that PennMUSH code would not work on a TinyMUSH codebase. (I learned that fast!) We did get a couple descriptions, but since none of them matched the quality we were looking for, I believe we ended up re-writing them all.


The staff at the time did an amazingly good job, and we had most of the rooms described and such in a week or so. Then suddenly everything was gone. Poof! I had thought I made an error in the site-wiz end of things, and we lost the whole database and we had to start over. For years I believed that was all my fault, but now I think there was a bug in a command that did it (so the fault of the makers of TinyMUSH, not mine). There was still some fault for me though: I hadn't known about making backups yet, so we didn't have anything to reinstall from. We had to start from the beginning again. Though the staff was exhausted, they got the job done.


While all this building was going on, Takashi (who was co-head wiz) had to go away. His father was building a house (or something like that), and he had to go to help. He vanished. He was gone for nearly all the time we were building, as well as all the time we were making rules, setting policy, etc. Basically he wasn't a part of any of the MUSH's formation, but we went on without him because we had to. (PANB was telling all the players what we were doing, as well as making up really nasty lies about us.) By the time he got back, we had created everything and we were a team -- he was an outsider. He was also pissed.


Let me go back a step though, and fill in a hole I missed: There was a staffer who was eventually named Gabe (I forget what his PANB name was). Wrongly, Taka and I thought he was the key to the kingdom. We thought he was beloved by the players and that they would follow him anywhere. And so with that assumption, we went after him to make sure he came to the new MUSH instead of staying with the old. I got a taste of what was to come with him: He was a weak-willed, god-awful, everyone-must-love-me-or-I'll-die type of person. I had to do more ego-stroking to get him to come here than I had ever done in my life. In the end, though he had said he would come here, he left it up to a player vote if he should go or not. (I think he worded it something like "Would you hate me if I...".) But we got him here, and then realized how moot he really was. Worse than that. I've never met a more wishy-washy man before. Even once we had him, I had to ego-stroke him on a daily basis. I quickly grew to hate him.


It never was an easy time getting players to come here. Even though we wanted a tight application system in place, we let the PANBers come in without apps... and still most of them didn't stick around. Few of them wanted a game where typing and grammar counted, where there were rules, etc. But word got out about us, and others came.


Synching this story back up with pissed-Taka: He was mad about a lot of things (few rightly so, IMO), and he was disrupting the teamwork of the staff (which we really needed early on). I don't remember who started the talk, it may have been me or it may not have been, but it was decided to remove him from the Head Wizard position and make him a HSer again. (Rereading this, I suspect it was me, but I'm really not sure.) He was even more pissed. We held a vote for who should be Head Wizard (him or any of the current staffers), and I allowed my name to be considered. As I had been filling the role the whole time Taka had been gone (no one wanted to be the one to make a single decision), all but one voted me in. (The other vote, Taka's, went to himself. Gabe had a hissy fit that no one voted for him. Cue more ego stroking.) Taka accused me of having plotted to take over the whole time, which didn't totally lack in any elements of truth. Being in charge was a good feeling. It was a load of work and tons of stress, but I could do it! I could run things well and organize things and I was learning tons of new things. It felt good! *However*, if he had never left, I would never have had to take over running things. So while I discovered I liked being in charge and eventually wanted the job, the sole cause of that was that he left us at the MUSH's most critical time. Yes, his father made him go, but that was still the cause of his downfall.


We hired on some HSers to help with building and such. One turned out to be okay, but the other was insane. She abused her powers and we fired her for it, and she demanded that we remove all the work that she did. We refused. She went to PANB and told stories of us and gave them inside information about the staff. (I think. I know for a fact she went there, but telling them inside info might be one of those "lies which became truths". I never, ever told a single lie for fun or because I got off on that or something, any lies were for a purpose. With PANB always attacking us (sending people to log on and spam, etc), the staff needed to stay as a whole, we needed things to rally behind, to be outraged at as a group. And so if telling a lie would help the MUSH in that way, I lied.)


Around the time of The Great Database Crash we also brought in an experienced coder, tersa. Though she had no ties to the MUSH or the other staffers, she worked as hard and as fast as everyone else. It was thanks to her that we had the complex, reliable coded systems that we did.

Once we had the basics (built grid, code) covered, the biggest challenge became the challenge which would stick with us for as long as the game ran: Bringing in enough players. Our theme (Pokemon) never fit with our desire for high quality RP. No one would think 'Pokemon' and think high quality, mature RPers... but that's what we wanted and what we shot for.

I'm going to switch focus here for a moment and leave details behind: The first year was a really hard time, both for the MUSH but also at least as much for myself. I was taking personal responsibility for nearly everything -- anything that got done was either done by me, or by my direction, or with me looking over that person's shoulder. (tersa's coding was the exception to this, as at that time I didn't have enough experience in that field and left her to work on her own. I'm sure she was much the happier for that. :) ) This will sound strange, but in no time flat I "became one with the MUSH" -- its failing and its faults were my own, and I lived to make it a success. No exaggeration. I had countless nights of no sleep, and I cried over things here too often. A lot of it I felt was my own faults and because of my own lackings: We had tons of troll attacks early on, muchly because PANB was trying to kill us and because our theme is just one honking big troll magnet. I had no experience at being a site wiz, and I couldn't keep up with them. Also, while I was on the MUSH 18 or so hours a day, I did have to get a little sleep now and then, and that left the MUSH defenseless. (Much later I was able to write softcode which would let any staffer boot and siteban troublemakers.)

Add to the troll attacks that we had no idea if a MUSH with high standards could succeed, let alone one with *Pokemon* as its theme. (Yes, GarouMUSH has high standards, but it could have been a fluke.) But as the first year became the second, our playerbase grew. People talked to other people, and we got many new folks that way.

As the years went on, our standards grew higher. Applications which had been accepted in the first year would have been laughed at in the later ones. Ones we used as "Good Examples" early on later made us cringe.

Though my memory is fuzzy about the exact timing, we had a good period in the middle of our run. I want to say the second half of the second year through the whole third year. We actually stopped worrying about having enough players -- that seems to be the best thing a MUSH can hope for. However, even through the good times I never stopped worrying. tersa left us early in the first year, and I never stopped improving my coding skills. I brought myself up to par on being a site wiz, and with the comings and goings of various staffers, I mastered every other job there was to do on the MUSH.

I'm going to return to a more detailed style now, and talk more about the staff of the MUSH. After "having enough players", my second biggest worry for the MUSH was having a good enough and big enough staff. As the staff is unpaid and actually has to work, it's hard to get good people. The lack-of-pay thing also allows for people to flake like hell on you. Recall weak-willed Gabe. He had been co-Head Wiz on PokeMUX and PANB with Lysss. She was... um, "immature" I suppose is the kindest thing I can say. While the two of them were good friends, they SUCKED as staffers (and I cringe at the thought of them as Head Wizards). One day out of the blue, they quit. No notice, they just walked off. As they did some big job (checking apps I think?), this was a big, big problem. However, it was hardly the first time that happened. Staffers quit on a regular basis, usually without notice. Sometimes we had to fire people, though that wasn't very common. Sometimes, especially later on in the MUSH's life, people "gave notice" of quitting, then just didn't log on for that whole time. Grrr. (My saying was: You could hurt me all you like, but never, ever do anything to hurt the MUSH or I'll hate you forever. Unfortunately I've had to hate many former staffers.)

It's easier to remember (and probably more entertaining to tell about) the bad staffers instead of the good ones, but we had a darned lot of good ones. Some of the funniest, smartest, best people I've met in my life were staffers on the MUSH. Since the MUSH made no money, I couldn't pay anyone, but I tried to reward the staff with jokes, fun times, and lots of staff-only humor. We often became like a family, which is why it sometimes especially hurt for a staffer to screw us over.

THE CLOSING

A few months after our four year mark of being PokeMUSH (or about six/seven of being PokeMUX-PANB-PokeMUSH), the number of player logins just became so low that we had to consider shutting things down. People didn't attend ONSes, people didn't hunt for puppets, most people just didn't do anything (when they bothered to log on at all).

Even as little as a year ago, this would have hurt me a lot. Two or three years ago, it could have crushed me. However, most MUSHes don't last this many years, let alone Head Wizards (the average "lifespan" for a Head Wiz is one year in the job). I was tired. Bone-deep, soul-weary tired. Sometime during most of the final year, the MUSH became a lodestone around my neck -- just a weight, just a job, nothing fun at all. While I still had the power and position of Head Wizard, I no longer enjoyed it. I wanted out.

As it would happen, the playerbase wanted out at the same time. As zero players being logged on became the norm instead of the exception, the decision was made to bring things to a halt. The MUSH will still be up for us to hang out on OOCly, but we the staff won't be doing any further work on it.

To be honest with myself: The death of the MUSH (the lack of players, not me being tired) was my fault as well. Perhaps as much as a year before we closed, we noticed our numbers dropping. I could feel the shift in the wind. Part of this being my fault was that I was actually RPing for fun for nearly the first time since I had asked mallen for server space -- for the first time since I took the position, I put myself before the MUSH. The other part it being my fault is that I should have listened to my own feelings and given less weight to others'. Pokemon was a dying theme. It's been dying or dead for a long, long time (years). We only stayed up this long because of the quality of the RP. I couldn't feel stronger about anything than I do about this: I should have adjusted/shifted/evolved the theme a while back. Things that don't evolve die. We did not evolve, and so we died. (Heck, "evolution" was in our name! How could we have stayed static for so long?) Yes, this *might* have caused us to lose some players, but I do not believe it would have cost many. Hey, they stayed with us through all this sucky Pokemon-ish-ness, why not follow us to something *better*?

Perhaps that's fitting. I brought PokeMUSH to life, my decisions brought it success, and in the end my decision killed it. I suppose I should wish that I could have just handed over the reins to someone else and let them have continued on as Head Wizard of the MUSH, but... It's *mine*. Its successes and its failures, its beginning and its end. I'm sure that sounds selfish, but I believe that's what it takes to make a MUSH successful. To bring a MUSH to life, someone needs to sacrifice their own life -- the MUSH must be theirs, and they must be the MUSH's. For four years, *nothing* came before PokeMUSH -- not my health, not my happiness, not my job, nothing. So maybe if I left and let someone else take over it'd fail anyway... who knows.

Am I sorry I put all that time and work into keeping PokeMUSH going? That's a hard thing to answer, but I think I'm not sorry. It's an amazing thing, giving fully and wholly of yourself, putting 100% of your effort into something. I've never done that before in my life. Not in jobs, not in college, never have I needed to give 100%. It felt good. It felt even better that we *succeeded*.

Would I do it again, if I came up with some new MUSH idea now? No way in hell. Nor would I recommend anyone else doing it. Giving years of your life for a game is insane. Hurting your health for a game is *stupid*. Not sleeping because of a game, crying over it, is wrong. It's good to bring others enjoyment when you can, but you should not do it at expense of yourself.


MY TIME ON THE MUSH


I had brought the MUSH to Byte-me for no other reason than because I wanted a place for good RP. I hadn't even wanted to be a staffer, my intent was to quit as soon as the MUSH was up and could do without me. As you can see, that didn't happen. In fact, with rare exception, I got no RP at all. (Not counting the times I had to RP for "work" reasons, like running puppets and ONSes.)

The other staffers talked about their IC alts in their "MUSH thingies" (these closing write-ups), but I unfortunately don't have much to say about mine. MUSH work (stress/attention) always came first, and that was hell on trying to RP.

I could talk about Jacob, Team Rocket second in command, who I brought over from PANB, or Wail (Katerwaul, also existed on PANB before I brought her here), but it's been three or so years since I RPed with them. (Yes, Wail still existed on the MUSH later, but I almost never RPed her.) Other alts came and went (a Scyther, a Rattata, a couple trainers, a TR member), two stayed longer than the others (Thrasher and Sly, both of whom came into existence through ONSes/puppets), but in the end my time on the MUSH was almost without exception spent overseeing work-things.

Sometime during the MUSH's second year or so, I realized what a good idea it would have been to keep a journal from the beginning -- to document the creation of the MUSH from its first day to its last. I still think that would have been an outstanding idea, but even if I had thought of it early on, those first days were just too crazy for me to spend time on anything but the highest priority staffing stuff. Oh well...

Hm. This has taken me three and a half hours to write up, to this point. Amazing that all those years can be reduced down to this little document. It's even more amazing how once the MUSH is totally shut down that all the work will be gone. The website that is hundreds of pages long, the code I spent literally weeks writing. It'll be as if it never existed. Four years of my life just as gone -- nothing left but memories which will fade.

It's a sad thing, really. The vast majority of the friendships I've made on the MUSH faded away at best, and ended badly at worst. Role-play... enjoyed at the time it was going on, but in one case ended badly (staffer playing my RP partner vanished ICly and OOCly without a single word, never to return), and in the other case... *shrug*

Perhaps it's best that I spent the last four years working instead of RPing. I probably shouldn't have gotten as close to people as I did (and in some cases I know I shouldn't have). Early on in the MUSH's life I used people: I told people like Gabe what they wanted to hear so that they'd stay on the staff and keep working. There were others like him, too. I learned the power of listening to people and telling them nice things. I did bad things in the name of keeping the MUSH going. I tell myself that's a necessary part of being a Head Wizard. Perhaps it is, perhaps it's not. If nothing else, running PokeMUSH was a learning experience. I learned about people, about myself, and what I'm capable of when I really try (both the good and the bad). My opinion of humanity has gone way, way, way down, and I've been able to rid myself of at least some of my useless optimism. I've learned what "friendship" means to some people (everything or nothing, depending on the person).

I know a good number of folks have liked the MUSH and had fun on it, and for that I'm glad. However, for me... if someone had come by the first day and hit me over the head and made me forget the MUSH had ever existed, I'd probably be a better person today for not having spent four years running it.

That's a sad thing.

Comments

[firebyrd.livejournal.com]

Am I sad that the MUSH is in the process of being laid six feet under? I most certainly am. It was a fun nearly three years of my life and I've greatly enjoyed both the experience and the incredible friendships I've made through it.

Am I absolutely thrilled that the MUSH is dead? I most certainly am, for your sake. I, and a number of other people, have been greatly concerned about your health and everything else with all the work and time you've put into the MUSH. I've been really glad the last few months to see you moving on to other things in your life. You made a great game, but it was at the expense of yourself, and I'm glad you're getting yourself back!

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I am, too! :)

Re:

[maddogairpirate.livejournal.com]

You'll have to forgive me for finding this about a month after it's posted. ;-)

A few things: That 'just insane' helpstaff builder wasn't a she, but a he. And he discovered, quite by accident, whether you'll ever believe that or not, that on the wiz topic of the board, Thistle had basically posted something negative, and I can't quite recall what it was. As you'd imagine, memories get fuzzy after 4 years. Something basically about how I was trying to apply for a character and how I was not to be granted it. Actually, I believe it was a pokemon, and again, I don't quite recall what kind.

I had made a joking comment while building that I could be 'paid in pokemon', and I think that's what drove the comment. Needless to say though, when I read about the post on a decision to not give me something before I'd even really asked for it, on the wiz topic where I couldn't read it, I was insulted.

I posted I'd found out about this and stepped down from helpstaff, saying I still wanted to build in the place and have fun. Now, if you ask Thistle, they canned me because I 'abused' my privelege. In a sense I did, as I did read the wiz topic while I had access. But when it's got your name in the title, you know....

It's semantics. I stepped down, they took away my bit, whatever.

The next step was for conditional building allowed. I'd make and desc rooms, and Lyssa/Anybrat whatever she was called, would come to approve them.

Lyssa pretty much always took the 'I'll look when I'm good and ready', and she was very immature. One day, we had a spat. In that spat, my characters were toaded, because Thistle sided with Lyssa, despite the fact she was the one not being the team player and coming to inspect/approve rooms so I could do more.

In my anger, I posted a long flame post from a guest account (which is how guests became so limited there, among other troll stuff I'm sure). It was promptly deleted in the spirit of preserving the cohesion of the player base and staff.

Needless to say, the post was not some string of lies. But it *was* a flame.

Ahh, memory lane. How soon Si forgets. My opinion of you had dropped quite a bit when you sided with Lyssa, but if I had to guess, over time, you probably found out what she was like.

I did demand my rooms be yanked, because I was toaded unfairly, for arguing with a brat (fitting name) of a staffer who was hindering any work I could do. When someone decides to take what you've contributed to a mush, and use it, but toad the player who was trying to build the mush for arguing with an immature staff person... hey. I don't know how you couldn't expect me to be angry.

[peppygrowlithe.livejournal.com]

Searching through your journal, looking for the link to the grumpy goat atheist...

Gods, this brings back memories.