Time changes little... (RP)

[thistlechaser]

I'm very ... confused. Unsettled. I'm reading RP logs that are nine years old. I don't remember the scenes at all, I didn't even remember playing this character until I saw the logs.

The logs are nine years old, but I love the storyline in them. I love this character. This is exactly the type of story I love. How can that be? How can nine years have passed but my tastes haven't changed? Shouldn't they have?

It's also a little... scary. When reading fanfics or other peoples' logs, sometimes I have to stop and reread and admire a phrase, a word choice, something like that. It feels odd and wrong to do that for something that I wrote...

Also, it's a little sad. I think my RP is worse now than it was back then. My poses were shorter then (everyone's were), but my word choices and phrasing was sometimes really good.

There's this pose I can't stop studying. The storyline was that a guy from the bad guy group got arrested, and instead of being sent to prison for the third time, he offered to turn informant and give the good guys info. In time, in very slow steps, he and one of the officers of the good guys fell in love. Unfortunately eventually that player vanished from the MUSH, and since no one ever left the bad guy group alive, my character had to die. Two people came to shoot him. One of his last poses:

Thrasher tries to keep from fidgeting as he waits. With effort, he succeeds in keeping his hands still. Another little smile forms on his face -- his restlessness used to drive Bridgit crazy. He looks down from the stars, eyes going to the horizon as his thoughts turn to her. She's out there, somewhere over the ocean. The flavor of his smile changes; better she's there and out of contact with him than here. He answers neither of the two behind him, his thoughts flying across the dark ocean, over the white-capped waves and past the buoys. His smile grows stronger, and he closes his eyes to better see.

"he closes his eyes to better see." That kills me. :D

His application is really good, too. It impressed me (which is really, really odd since I wrote it). I wish I could write like that nowadays. (It's true: if you don't use it, you lose it.)

I need to read more (books). I need to write more. Ten years from now, when I find what few RP logs I take now, will I be as impressed? I highly doubt it, and that's sad.

Comments

[xvolph.livejournal.com]

Which makes me curious to see what I manage to come across for logs when I go home to visit. I definitely know that time can change how we write things, and the ability to do so well can atrophy if it's not practiced regularly.

I haven't written any new stories since before I moved out here, I think, over two years ago and I can feel the difference. It has become more difficult. There was a time when I wrote long, elaborate poses when I was still on Guilty Gear Mush. Since then, I find myself gritting my teeth and feeling very discontent with most of my poses. They don't feel "good enough", and maybe that's part of why I enjoy RPing as Luzaf so much. The character forces me to choose my wording a lot more carefully than I do as Ciel. I'm pretty sure the limitations of MMO's and being with one for so long, hasn't helped matters either.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure the limitations of MMO's and being with one for so long, hasn't helped matters either.

Yeah. I didn't want to mention MMOs, because my comments about them have generally been negative lately, but I'm sure FFXI has done more harm than good for me -- in more ways than just my writing.

I find myself gritting my teeth and feeling very discontent with most of my poses. They don't feel "good enough"

Yeah. It shouldn't be a struggle to get your poses just right, it should just flow naturally. (Or so I'm thinking now. Who knows if nine years ago I struggled with every pose, hating my wording...)

Which makes me curious to see what I manage to come across for logs when I go home to visit.

I hope you find interesting stuff, too! :D

[hamburger.livejournal.com]

My writing has depreciated mainly because I've been doing all LJ RPs since then. It kills me that I used to be able to do decent paragraph RP and now I kind of hem and haw when I have to do it.

[quistie.livejournal.com]

I can't really relate to the RPing bit. What I can tell you is that I picked up Chrono Trigger somewhat recently and replayed an old save that I made years ago. On a whim I decided to change Marle's equipment because I thought I could do better now that I'm older and wiser. I was so wrong.

The point is that we always assume our temporal progenies could do better, without fully understanding the merits of the decisions we made in the past. This is a mistake. Sometimes you just have to *accept* that you made the best possible decision in the past, and the present-time you may not be able to surpass it. And—this is crucial—recognize that it is a happy occasion when this happens. I wouldn't want to live in a world that everything I did before I was 25 (or insert a random number here) is complete garbage to me now. I mean, that person was me once up a time. Conversely, I wouldn't want to think that what I've done in the past can't be surpassed. If I can't surpass my old self in this one thing, then perhaps I can do it in another. It's really the only way to think about things.

[quasilemur.livejournal.com]

Don't Stop making me want to MU* again!

[bouteillebleu.livejournal.com]

I like that pose of Thrasher's - strikes me as a good length, from what I remember. Much longer than that and it gets into "I am making a four-layer sandwich while you wait to be allowed to pose" territory.

(Hurr, length.)

I'm not sure if my writing's got better or not since I MUSHed. I don't roleplay much online these days - LARP and tabletop take up my roleplaying time, and though I did do some IRC roleplay for our local LARP system while I was playing, now I'm one of the people running it I don't get that.

On the other hand I've ended up writing RPG-based fiction, which is kind of fun but has less action and more angst. And occasionally more obscene, which is something I had a real problem but am now more capable at (although implication or fade to black is always more comfortable...).

Alas, MUSHes probably aren't feasible these days due to RSI. :(

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

I'd love a LJ RP com... if it did normal poses. I wish I could find a comm or a MU* to RP on again, but either quality or theme keeps making me turn them down...

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that makes sense. I'd like to say that I've been improving all these years, but I was an adult then and I'm an adult now, so I guess it could be possible that I've stayed the same (pr gotten worse, even!). If I were a young teenager then and me now, then I'd more expect improvement in this field. Other? Yeah, maybe not...

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

If I knew of a good, active MU*, I'd so tempt you with the address! There's one I play on, a Final Fantasy theme one, that mostly counts as good, but the playerbase is tiny. I get very very few scenes (1-2 a month). I'd kill for a busy, good one!

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

I like that pose of Thrasher's - strikes me as a good length, from what I remember. Much longer than that and it gets into "I am making a four-layer sandwich while you wait to be allowed to pose" territory.

*laughs* That seems to be the crowd I'm with nowaday. Four long paragraphs per pose... It's odd, I hadn't thought a shorter pose would be as good, but rereading these logs where a pose is just 1-4 sentences, they still work fine, too...

I think writing a real story is at least as good practice as poses! And aww RSI! :(

[avocado-love.livejournal.com]

I get you on this -- only for me it was the opposite. When I was RPing my writing was worse, not better. My suggestion is to listen to audiobooks. You can always find time for audiobooks (like in a car) and you're getting the story except for the... you know, time put into reading. hehe.

You are STILL that writer. Remember that.

[citizenbleys.livejournal.com]

Re-reading logs can be deceptive. I only write good prose when it's inspired--major scenes and the like. The majority of my prose at tGA is utter garbage. The same was as true 7 years ago as it is now. It's easy to look at Leon's* death scene and say "damn, I could write back then," as long as I ignored the month of posts that came before it--like the famous (to us) long, monotonous carriage ride.

On the other hand, I have been getting much funnier. Back in 2001, my idea of funny was to have the party attacked by thousands of pink, fluffy bunnies. Now I think the Scun Creation Myth (http://thegamersalliance.net/w/Creation_Myths) is much funnier.

*Leon was (and still is, he got resurrecteded) my main character

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

That's a really good idea. I have a ton of them at work, too.

Thanks! :D

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

as long as I ignored the month of posts that came before it

Ha, that's a good point, too. Back then I only logged some scenes (why? why? why?), but nowadays I save everything.

Back in 2001, my idea of funny was to have the party attacked by thousands of pink, fluffy bunnies. Now I think the Scun Creation Myth is much funnier.

Heh! :D

[peppygrowlithe.livejournal.com]

I... am afraid to look at my old logs. There are a lot of memories in there, and I'm partially afraid to dig them up. I don't know if I can really put it into words correctly, just that... I'm not ready yet. Part of it is that I know my poses would be abysmal compared to today.

I'm very happy with my writing now. I owe a lot of that to my time on the MUSH, but I also owe a great deal to the MUSH's fall. It taught me a lot about attachment, about connection, and about immersion. I have the harnesses now, and I know how not to get carried away. I'm not ready to go back to a time when a character had more control over me than I did over him.

That, and despite what everybody keeps telling me, I know I was a completely retarded teenager. Even just looking at these OOC logs, I remember my attitude and mindset toward life, and know it exactly when I see "old me" in teenagers I chat with online these days. I want to grab them and throttle them!

[hamburger.livejournal.com]

Hey, this is OFF-TOPIC but just to let you know I didn't mean to ignore you when you IM'd me this morning. I hadn't meant to turn on AIM and was running out the door for work. :) Where I am now. Hurrhurr.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

just that... I'm not ready yet.

No, I totally understand that. There's a set of logs (non-MUSH) that I can't go back and read. There's too much RL emotion, too many problems, too many issues... I just can't bring all that back fresh right now. Can't reopen those wounds (even though I bet the RP's story would be great to reread).

On a smaller scale, rereading the Thrasher logs had the same effect. Bridgit/(whatever staffer she was, Ar-something) had been a really good friend. Someone I trusted. I can count on one hand the number of people I have trusted in my adult life. And one day she just stopped logging on. IC alts, staff alts, she just never logged on anymore. And she wasn't dead/sick/whatever RL, because we knew she was playing on some other MU*. That was 10 years ago, and now I'm suddenly all "Why?" again. Was it me? Was I too much of an asshole of a headwiz? Too demanding? Or was my RP sucky? Or some kind of RP she didn't like? I hate dealing with all of that again.

I'm very happy with my writing now. I owe a lot of that to my time on the MUSH, but I also owe a great deal to the MUSH's fall.

I'm very glad to hear it helped, and that there were positives to it ending as well. :)

That, and despite what everybody keeps telling me, I know I was a completely retarded teenager.

If it helps any, the person who I was back then shames me. I was mean on purpose. I tried to hurt people (sucky guest? player we didn't like? They're still people with feelings! There's no excuse for being an asshole to them!). I know I was stressed back then, but that's no excuse.

I guess the MUSH taught me stuff about RL me, too. I think I do poorly in a leadership position... or at least part of it. The details? The planning? The work of it? Those things I can do. But dealing with the stress? Not being anal about every damned little thing? The people end of it? Letting people have fun/do their own thing/trust them? That part I fail badly on.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Huh. I did a quick googling to see if I could find anything out, and came up with this post by Mag (http://mag.livejournal.com/127341.html). He was dead-on about so much stuff... and he has lots of info about the Aeris/Bridget issue (she came back as a new staffer? WTF? Why'd I let her back?)...

[peppygrowlithe.livejournal.com]

We're partially to blame for that, all of us - save maybe Mag himself, who didn't support you unconditionally on most things. There should have been times when we should have spoken up and said that something crossed a line, but "to fit in", I would not only not speak out against a cruel act but actively support it. In retrospect, I was virtually a 4channer.

I remember lashing out against Sprinkles/Mandrake for the very exact reason I shouldn't have - he was so very comfortable with being gay, and I was so far in the closet I could barely breathe, and I wanted to distance myself from him for just that reason. I channeled my jealousy through ire. I remember acting like a dick to Mag because I was convinced he was flaking out on us - how dare he hold RL as more important than the MUSH! I remember treating some players hunting puppets with disrespect and whining because they "were unpopular with the staff". I wasn't a good person. I'm still not certain that I am, but I do know that I could have acted better.

I suppose in retrospect, I didn't realize the kind of person I was, simply because of the 'other life'. Peppy, Aurora, the kids, they were so cute, and I was so happy with them. Peppy could get along with everybody, and he was so comfortable and easy to get into. What does it matter if I act like a dick on Hyper, if I got to experience something so lovable elsewhere? Wouldn't I happily play Thistle's yes-man if it made the MUSH stronger and ensured it survived longer?

Everybody says this looking back, but I wonder what it would all be like now. I don't think it would work anymore, though gods sometimes I wish it could. We've tried once or twice to get the MUSH back up, and each time I just find myself repulsed and unable to take it seriously. As they say, "If I knew then what I know now, I wonder what it would have been like." I think you know what I mean by that.

[peppygrowlithe.livejournal.com]

It's probably for the best, as I shouldn't be awake at 3:30 (6:30 for you!) anyway!

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

There should have been times when we should have spoken up and said that something crossed a line, but "to fit in", I would not only not speak out against a cruel act but actively support it.

Sadly, I don't know if that would have helped. It was my MUSH and you all were "just" staffers (staffers come and go! Believe me, I knew that!). I think I would have been more annoyed than stopped, if someone had said something.

I remember lashing out against Sprinkles/Mandrake for the very exact reason I shouldn't have

At the time, he had annoyed me for being "lazy" ("Oh ho ho! You mean you're NOT willing to put the effort of a RL job into the MUSH? What kind of slacker are you?!").

I remember acting like a dick to Mag because I was convinced he was flaking out on us - how dare he hold RL as more important than the MUSH!

Mag and I were on opposite ends of the scale. We were just so different... And yeah, putting RL first didn't help. (Stupid me!)

I remember treating some players hunting puppets with disrespect and whining because they "were unpopular with the staff". I wasn't a good person. I'm still not certain that I am, but I do know that I could have acted better.

The player-treatment is the second most embarrassing thing from that time, only my treatment of the staff shames me more. I keep thinking of the "I was stressed!" excuse, but that's no excuse.

If we didn't like a player, we should have removed them from the game. If we weren't willing to do that, we should have treated them with respect. All of them.

I remember some guy (god, a couple guys) we killed off. Both of the times that I'm remembering were cases of "staff bullying" -- I used my OOC power ICly against players we didn't like. That was wrong.

I think we're at least somewhat better people now, since we can see these issues and feel bad about them.

Everybody says this looking back, but I wonder what it would all be like now. I don't think it would work anymore, though gods sometimes I wish it could. We've tried once or twice to get the MUSH back up, and each time I just find myself repulsed and unable to take it seriously.

I don't know. I'd love to have something to love again. It's the best feeling in the world to have something to throw yourself whole-heartedly into, to put 100% of your time and effort, every waking moment into. (However, that also causes all the problems we've seen.) Part of me would love to try to run a game again, but mostly I know I'm not able to, so I wouldn't want to even try... :/

[peppygrowlithe.livejournal.com]

If the situation ever so arose that another similar MUSH cropped up, one we all wanted to get together on and RP and whatnot, I think I might go for it this time. I've learned a few things about balancing RL, WoW, and other hobbies since I moved up here. But I'm not the catalyst to start something like that. Three times in the past I've been called on to try and staff for a MUSH (once for a MUSH based on the warrior-cat books, once when we all left the PernMU*, and again when we tried to start up a Pokemon MUSH). All three times I flaked, not necessarily through lack of time, but through lack of desire. It's exhausting to give your all, when you know at the end of the day, as happens to all wonderful things, it will someday come to an end.

I suppose everybody has regrets about past decisions. It's natural to look back and wonder what we could have done differently. I think I hurt the feelings of a lot of people. I probably made a good deal of them happy too, though. Just like you.

I'm pretty happy where I am now. I'm still discovering some things about myself - some pretty cool, some kinda ugly - and I think you've moved on pretty well too. You seem a lot happier these days, and whenever you're brought up when I talk to old MUSH friends, everybody seems relieved to hear that.

I'm not actively hoping something like the MUSH ever rises up again for us... but you never do know.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Three times in the past I've been called on to try and staff for a MUSH (once for a MUSH based on the warrior-cat books

Huh. I was asked to be codewiz on one of those, too. I accepted though, after much thought. ("I'll just code! Nothing else! I enjoy coding!") One day the MU* vanished without a word, before it ever opened but after I put much work into it.

I think I hurt the feelings of a lot of people. I probably made a good deal of them happy too, though. Just like you.

Yeah, I try to remember that I did positive things as well. Lots of people had some good RP there, some for years. The staff had some darned good times mixed in with the bad. :D

I'm pretty happy where I am now. I'm still discovering some things about myself - some pretty cool, some kinda ugly - and I think you've moved on pretty well too. You seem a lot happier these days,

Happier than back then? Yeah. Happy in general? Less so. I'm sort of between hobbies. I'm bored to death on FFXI, but I really don't like WoW all that much. I want to RP, but the one MU* I'm on is a tiny playerbase with mostly idle people. I have no idea where else to go to find RP. I think if I had some good RP, I could call myself happy in general. Now, though, I'm mostly just bored. :P

[citizenbleys.livejournal.com]

I have the good (?) fortune not to be the one saving archives. All of my shit gets saved along with the non-shit.

[firebyrd.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it flowed, sometimes it didn't. It didn't for you at the end, but with those really elaborate storylines you had with Shadow/Grayson, it did.

[firebyrd.livejournal.com]

I don't want to MU* again (in fact, I think I'm on the verge of quitting for the last and final time), but I'd love to go back to the PokeMUSH golden age...I could actually find it in me to RP back then.

[firebyrd.livejournal.com]

Yeah, as much as I long for the golden age...Gale was creepy as hell with the way he whispered in my head all the time. I still don't get what that was about, because I thought he was just a silly hungry version of me.

Ho hum, don't mind the crazy person who heard voices in her head, oh no.

[firebyrd.livejournal.com]

Wow. I think it's so awesome that you recognize that and realize it wasn't the right thing to do. We were such /bullies/ at times. While I still have so little tolerance for stupidity, I think I do a better job at controlling myself now. People keep complimenting me on how I run my area, though I wonder how much of it is because of tiredness/depression/just not caring and how much of it is getting over some personal douchebaggery.

[firebyrd.livejournal.com]

And believe it or not, you were actually one of the better, nicer staffers. I've been a bully in my life, IRL and online, but I think some of my times on P:PE were probably the worse, even if I wasn't always the instigator and it wasn't as overt as when I was teleporting people on a MUD into a boss room to get killed over and over again.

[firebyrd.livejournal.com]

I don't know if happier is the right word, but I think when you're in flux between hobbies you're more, hmm, balanced. The problem is when you're in the throes of love with something, you throw /everything/ into it, it becomes your whole life, and it really isn't healthy for you as a person. I still worry about you because of that and I'm relieved that the FFXI stage seems to be passing at last. :/

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

We were such /bullies/ at times.

That really sums up a lot of why I look back on my MUSH time with discomfort.

I still have a hard time controlling it, not making comments about stupid people, but at least I realize when I fail and (eventually) feel bad about it.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

The problem is when you're in the throes of love with something, you throw /everything/ into it, it becomes your whole life

I don't know what it is about my personality, but that's how I've always been all my life, not just about online things. When I find something I like, I throw myself into it 100%, think about it all waking hours, likely dream about it at night. Sometimes it's more useful than other times (like when I decided to learn to draw), but I'd rather be more balanced about things.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Ho hum, don't mind the crazy person who heard voices in her head, oh no.

Heh! I find the best RP characters always end up babbling in my head. Nothing like going shopping and having another voice chattering in your ear about stuff...

[firebyrd.livejournal.com]

That was the worst part, though, as Gale wasn't supposed to be a character, he was just my staff alt! :)

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Oh! Ha! Okay, yeah, that's a little different. :D