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thistlechaserPerhaps I was too hard on this summer's GI Joe movie. I'm rewatching the original cartoon series and it's just... gah. I feel so bad about it, because at the time it aired I deeply loved it.
Episode one: Cobra's plan is to set up a grid that will stop all electricity on the planet. This will, somehow, allow them to take over the world.
The plan: Attack the space shuttle. While the battle is going on, they use a pair of hands made out of beams of light to open a hatch on the shuttle to put a box in. Because I'm sure the space shuttle has tons of unlocked hatches.
This box is no small box! In it are four men, four personal vehicles, and a collection of monsters. Yes, monsters. Little creatures called "Fatal Fuzzies" that start out looking cute (one of the female Joes hugs one) and, when a whistle is blown, they transform into eight foot tall, fire breathing, English-speaking monsters able to use weapons (guns and whips). Okay, stop right here. So Cobra has the scientific know-how and power to do some serious genetic work... strong enough to make monsters that transform from two foot tall cute things to eight foot tall monsters at the sound of a whistle being blown. I'm sorry, but why aren't they ruling the world now? Why not just release a bunch of these monsters instead of attempting the illogical plan of blocking all electric power from working?
For lord knows what reason, Snakeyes the ninja has a timber wolf. It not only follows him like a dog, it can do any human task (climb a ladder, pump on one of those railway hand-pumping car things, and save a guy's life all in the first ep). In this first ep Snakeyes and Shipwreck are together, so we get to see a lot of the Timber the wolf and Polly the parrot. I swear to god, this parrot is smarter than the two men put together. Of course it talks like a person, and it, too, saves their life.
What does the parrot save them from? All Cobra workers (working on making the cubes needed to stop the electricity) have to go through a voice scanning thing to go to work. They have to say a long bit "Hail Cobra Commander! The great snake rules forever!" or something along those lines. It's not enough to just get the wording right, Shipwreck can't get the tones perfect, so two walls full of spikes and 10 saw blades through the floor come at them as he frantically retries the phrase. Finally Polly the parrot gets it right. Now think about that for a moment. You have thousands of Cobra workers -- probably the lowest ranking of them all, just physical labor people. People at my job, high tech and highly educated people, have trouble with a badge system to get in the doors. You're going to expect these little workers to not just remember a multi-sentence pass-phrase, but to get the tone exactly right? Why isn't the floor covered in blood where all the workers who failed the phrase got killed?
But that's hardly the worst of the painful logic bits. At one point a Cobra on the ground says something. A Joe flying in a fighter jet overhead hears him and responds... then swoops down and cuts the tank in half with the jet's wing. *pulls hair out*
Then there are the little things. Two Joes sneaking up on one Cobra guy, intending to shoot him. Right before they fire, they yell their battle cry "Yo Joe!", which of course gives the Cobra guy heads-up on the sneak attack... *facepalms*
There's an amusing bit where a captain won't let the female Joes onto his ship because women are bad luck at sea. (How well would that fly in a cartoon today? Ha ha.)
All this is in the very first ep. I'm not going to stop watching it, even though it's so very painful. Embarrassing, too. For the longest time, I thought this was the best thing to ever be shown on TV... (At least I was a young kid when I thought that! Gah!)
Episode one: Cobra's plan is to set up a grid that will stop all electricity on the planet. This will, somehow, allow them to take over the world.
The plan: Attack the space shuttle. While the battle is going on, they use a pair of hands made out of beams of light to open a hatch on the shuttle to put a box in. Because I'm sure the space shuttle has tons of unlocked hatches.
This box is no small box! In it are four men, four personal vehicles, and a collection of monsters. Yes, monsters. Little creatures called "Fatal Fuzzies" that start out looking cute (one of the female Joes hugs one) and, when a whistle is blown, they transform into eight foot tall, fire breathing, English-speaking monsters able to use weapons (guns and whips). Okay, stop right here. So Cobra has the scientific know-how and power to do some serious genetic work... strong enough to make monsters that transform from two foot tall cute things to eight foot tall monsters at the sound of a whistle being blown. I'm sorry, but why aren't they ruling the world now? Why not just release a bunch of these monsters instead of attempting the illogical plan of blocking all electric power from working?
For lord knows what reason, Snakeyes the ninja has a timber wolf. It not only follows him like a dog, it can do any human task (climb a ladder, pump on one of those railway hand-pumping car things, and save a guy's life all in the first ep). In this first ep Snakeyes and Shipwreck are together, so we get to see a lot of the Timber the wolf and Polly the parrot. I swear to god, this parrot is smarter than the two men put together. Of course it talks like a person, and it, too, saves their life.
What does the parrot save them from? All Cobra workers (working on making the cubes needed to stop the electricity) have to go through a voice scanning thing to go to work. They have to say a long bit "Hail Cobra Commander! The great snake rules forever!" or something along those lines. It's not enough to just get the wording right, Shipwreck can't get the tones perfect, so two walls full of spikes and 10 saw blades through the floor come at them as he frantically retries the phrase. Finally Polly the parrot gets it right. Now think about that for a moment. You have thousands of Cobra workers -- probably the lowest ranking of them all, just physical labor people. People at my job, high tech and highly educated people, have trouble with a badge system to get in the doors. You're going to expect these little workers to not just remember a multi-sentence pass-phrase, but to get the tone exactly right? Why isn't the floor covered in blood where all the workers who failed the phrase got killed?
But that's hardly the worst of the painful logic bits. At one point a Cobra on the ground says something. A Joe flying in a fighter jet overhead hears him and responds... then swoops down and cuts the tank in half with the jet's wing. *pulls hair out*
Then there are the little things. Two Joes sneaking up on one Cobra guy, intending to shoot him. Right before they fire, they yell their battle cry "Yo Joe!", which of course gives the Cobra guy heads-up on the sneak attack... *facepalms*
There's an amusing bit where a captain won't let the female Joes onto his ship because women are bad luck at sea. (How well would that fly in a cartoon today? Ha ha.)
All this is in the very first ep. I'm not going to stop watching it, even though it's so very painful. Embarrassing, too. For the longest time, I thought this was the best thing to ever be shown on TV... (At least I was a young kid when I thought that! Gah!)
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-17 07:56 pm (UTC)I had a similar reaction to Speed Racer -- loved it when I was growing up, then watched an ep a few years ago and wondered what was in the water I was drinking then. =)
no subject
Date: 2009-09-17 08:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-17 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-17 08:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-17 09:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-17 09:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 09:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-19 05:03 am (UTC)"Dang! I missed him! Shot hit about a foot to the left! ...I'll just keep shooting that same exact spot, maybe he'll move into it!"
no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 12:01 am (UTC)Rewatching beloved childhood shows is usually a descent into madness or hilarity. Watching an episode of Care Bears a few years ago, I laughed until I cried at an episode where a kid is willing to help Professor Coldheart make the whole world into cement so she can skate everywhere. After his cement-spreading airplane passes and area, there's a montage showing people picnicking on cement, trying to swim in cement pools with no water (which is really a WTF given that pools tend to be made of it anyway!), all sorts of things. The girl at one point says, "Anyone who likes concrete is a friend of mine!" So freaking bad.
That's why shows like Animaniacs that were actually smart were so beloved. Parents could let their kids watch the shows without wanting to put a bullet in their brains.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 04:23 pm (UTC)Ha! That wouldn't surprise me!
That's why shows like Animaniacs that were actually smart were so beloved. Parents could let their kids watch the shows without wanting to put a bullet in their brains.
Wish there had been more shows like Animaniacs... I should add that to my list of things to rewatch!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 07:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 01:58 am (UTC)I just draw them, collect my check, and move on...XD
no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 04:23 pm (UTC)*laughs* Best plan ever!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 08:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 08:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 02:15 am (UTC)Also:
So Cobra has the scientific know-how and power to do some serious genetic work... strong enough to make monsters that transform from two foot tall cute things to eight foot tall monsters at the sound of a whistle being blown. I'm sorry, but why aren't they ruling the world now? Why not just release a bunch of these monsters...
I'm thinking more as a Christmas item. I mean, remember how popular Furbie was when it came out? You'd have one in so many households then you just have to play a whistle on all TV stations at once or on the radio or something.
Actually if it's Cobra they would probably construct a giant whistle, on the moon, that would send the sound waves through space (completely impossible in physics but whatever) so that it encompasses the entire earth all at once. Little fuzz balls go evil, you are now ruler of the world, HAIL COBRA!!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 04:25 pm (UTC)You should so totally join Cobra!
HAIL COBRA!!
See! ;)
PS: Someone named Velox kept killing me in AV last night. I kept misreading the name with an E on the end! D: Stop killing me, you!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 05:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-18 10:00 pm (UTC)And what you didn't know is that tons of workers do get killed for failing the phrase. Whenever that happens, a modified B.A.T. would appear and clean up the mess, so to speak.
Despite all that, people love to join Cobra. The dental plan is second-to-none.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-19 05:01 am (UTC)Despite all that, people love to join Cobra. The dental plan is second-to-none.
And you know, wasn't that used in an ep once?