I love magnets, working computers, old music, and being sane (RL)

[thistlechaser]

* I don't really collect anything, but the closest thing I come to it is magnets. They're generally cheap, usually fun, and they give your fridge, kitchen, and any other metal surface such personality!

I bought a set of Apple iPhone icons, and I love them.

Unfortunately there are so many of them I had to put them on the lower half of the fridge, so they're surrounded by my less favorite other magnets (the watering can is a picture frame). It's fun to rearrange them and tap them as if they really might work.

* It's such a nice thing to have a working computer. When WoW isn't my forwardmost window, it's nearly silent. Unfortunately when WoW is in front I can hear the fan, but it's a lot quieter than my previous machine. Having everything installed and running right is such a wonderful feeling, like having your home all neat and organized just how you want it.



I used to think I was manic-depressive, and I didn't mind it at all. I ran at about 90% manic, so it was pretty darned great. Then over the years the ratio changed and changed and changed, until there was no manicness left. On the plus side, the depression pretty much faded out, too.

Then it slowly came back. Just the depression. Luckily it doesn't happen often (couple times a year?), but when it does, it's bad. I can't tell it's going on when it happens, it feels like that's normal. Basically like there's no use to being alive (NOT suicidal, or at least not actively, more like "if I didn't exist, that would be better", but not that I would kill myself to get to that state of not existing). Hopeless, happiness-less, purposelessness.

The last week or so was like that, then I woke up yesterday feeling 100% better. Nothing had changed to trigger it ending. I even got less sleep than usual. There was no reason at all that I could tell, it just broke and I was happy again. It's so strange looking back on it now, how deeply unhappy I was. I think I'm generally a happy person. It's something co-workers and customers always comment on, I hear things like "She's the happiest person I ever met" and "She must love her job, she's so happy". (The latter one makes me laugh.)

At least when it happens I'm aware that I am depressed. (Not that it's some unnatural state, but just that that is what I'm feeling.) I did try to act on it. I left the house more (because sitting alone in the dark is the worst thing I could do), I tried to expand my online social circle and reach out to more folks (the application for the new game, looking for other games). If it had gone on longer, I think I would have looked for a therapist (because being in that state was miserable and no way to live life). I really, really, really worry that one day I'll fall into that state and not just pop right back out, but hopefully I'll still recognize it and still be willing and able to act on it.


* On the rare occasion that I listen to music on the radio, I have to listen to the oldies station. For some reason I don't understand, they moved all the good music there. ;) In addition to the music I grew up with, they also play stuff that was old when I was young (but that's fine, I find myself enjoying that as well nowadays). On the way back to work, I heard this one song. The guy's voice was amazing, and the song was so touching and nice.

I've listened to it a bunch of times today. I love his voice, love the music, and I very much love the lyrics.

Comments

[jadall.livejournal.com]

I will steal those magnets. You'll wake up one day and they'll just be gone.

I'm glad you're feeling better though. D: I have some friends who suffer from bouts of depression and it always concerns me at how it just shows up and then shows itself out a little later without even a how-do-you-do. It's not something I could even fathom coping with but it's good to hear that you have some sort of attack plan to handle it (as best as it can be handled). Be happy Thistle, we love yooou~. <3

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

MAGNET THIEF! D: D:

And thank you! That helps a lot. <3333! Know what else helps? HAVING MAGNETS! *clutches them*

[fealubryne.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean about the depression thing. Been like that since I was a kid, and for a long time I didn't understand it or know how to deal with it. It was the worst as a teenager, when everything triggered it, and the whole suicidal thing kinda came to a head, but... since then I've learned to recognize and feel it, and how to deal with it.

But then on Saturday it hit me worse than I've had it in a long time. I'd felt it coming on, and then a bunch of crummy stuff made it worse, and then BAM. It's almost made worse by the fact that I want to be happy. I mean, my life isn't always rainbows and sunshine and it's hard sometimes, but I like it. It's in a rough patch right now, but that'll pass. I know this. The logical part of my brain is fully aware of it, and it's what keeps me going. But over the weekend that dark part of my head took over and I just couldn't shake it. Ended up laying in bed for three hours straight, just staring at a wall and arguing with myself. "I don't want to live like this anymore... but I do! But it's so hard. But it won't be forever! I know... but I just can't do it anymore... But you can!" Over and over and over.

And then... it's just gone. But you're right. When you're IN that state... I mean, I want to believe I have control. Sometimes I'm not sure, though. And the worst part is that psychosis is actually a symptom of Cushing's, and I've heard of it getting bad sometimes... so it worries me that when I've got that added on top of things I have less control than I think.

Ugh. Our brains are wacky things, aren't they?

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

I mean, my life isn't always rainbows and sunshine and it's hard sometimes, but I like it.

Yeah, that's the thing. I don't expect perfection, but I'm generally happy with how things are. And I totally understand the head-argument you had, I do that all the time.

Very, very wacky things, way too easily upset!

[achika-soladia.livejournal.com]

I fall victim to the same issue you do. I wouldn't dare hurt myself, but the general idea of living gets me down. There's not usually rhyme or reason for it, it just happens. Then I just suddenly feel better.

I typically take anti-depressants, but it seems to have no effect when I fall into those moods.

It's a good thing you are feeling better though. =D You know where to find me if you need anyone to talk to though. Even if there isn't necessarily a reason. ;)

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I do know where to find you. :D Which sounds like a threat but isn't! :P

[mel-redcap.livejournal.com]

Egh, sympathies. :-/

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

[veloxe.livejournal.com]

I think most people experience that sort of thing with the depression. I mean obviously not all the time. But like you, every now and then you have a couple days or a week of just "Blarg, what's the point?"

I know I get days like that once every month or so. But it's weird because it won't even be a full day, just until evening and then I'm good to go again. It's like I had a dream that just pissed me off or flipped the pessimist switch that I don't remember. So it effects me for the start of the day until I can't justify being down since I can't remember a reason to be down.

I could definitely see how a person could just stick in that mode if they just let themselves stay that way.

//thistle depression loop

while(depressed)

{

emotion += depression;

//escape condition

if(thistle => outside)

{

depressed = 0;

}

}

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

HA. I love the code. :D And you're right, it's like a switch sometimes.

[prettyredeyes.livejournal.com]

Those magnets are WIN. Like.. zomg. And you have reminded me that we have nothing on our fridge yet and that just can't happen! My magnet collection must begin soooon!

Your computer sounds just like mine. It's completely silent all the time until I open WoW or SWTOR or something then it's like OH OMG CRAP GOD NO WE'RE DYING ZOMGWTF. Poor thing. Then I feel all guilty if I'm intending to raid or something because it can only get more loud and painful. e_e

I also completely get the depression thing. That happens to me too. I'm kind of aware that there's nothing SITUATIONALLY wrong with life but I just feel very blah about all of it and sort of drift about. :/ I imagine if my mood were visible I'd walk around with my opacity turned down and be like semi-transparent and greyed out. /art nerd :o

I've considered seeing someone myself because I worry about the same thing, about it not going away, but considering how I used to be several years ago I'm kind of grateful for how minor it is now. Also I'm concerned they might just try to fling medication at me that I don't really need because it's not like it's constant. I'm not sure meds would do anything considering how infrequent it can be sometimes. Fff.

It's so weeeeeird when it goes away too, isn't it? I get this feeling like "why didn't I notice how awesome the world was yesterday?!" o_o

BRAIN Y U NO MAKE SENSE?!

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

BRAINS SHOULD MAKE SENSE

I'm with you, I really, really worry about medication. I DO NOT WANT IT. Especially since it comes and goes and I don't even have it most of the time!

It's so weeeeeird when it goes away too, isn't it? I get this feeling like "why didn't I notice how awesome the world was yesterday?!" o_o

That's exactly how it is. It's like going from the default being unhappy to the default being happy.

And magnets are the best! I highly recommend covering your fridge with them! :D

[awhisperofdusk.livejournal.com]

I send <3 for the depression. You already know my issues with it, so I get completely where you're coming from. D: You ever need to talk about it, you know how to contact me. <3

I'm glad you're feeling better, and I hope the depression doesn't come back, or at least takes its time to. :c

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you, for the offer and everything!

And agreed, hopefully it'll be a good long time in coming back.