I'm missing a basic life skill... (RL, RL, RP, WoW)

[thistlechaser]

I'm missing a basic life skill and I don't know how to go about getting it. (Or maybe no one has it and I just think everyone does.)

How do you know when it's okay to get angry? How do you know how much anger is okay in response to a situation?

I have confrontation issues, and they're getting worse as I get older. The latest example: My bathtub doesn't drain. Even though I live in an apartment, I always start by using Draino. Usually this fixes the issue, but this time it did not.

A week ago, I emailed the apartment owner (he fired the manager to save money). No reply from him.
Two days later, the complex handyman showed up, but said he couldn't do it that day and we arranged a time for the next day.
The next day, he did not show up at all.
I emailed the owner, letting him know that. No reply.
Four days passed, no reply, no handyman. I'm still standing in ankle-deep water each time I shower, takes hours to drain.
Tonight I sent off another email. I gave him the above summary and closed with "When will someone be coming? I'm getting tired of waiting day after day, with no word of when or if someone will show up."

But in this situation and others like it, I question myself endlessly. Do I have a right to be angry? (In this case I'd say so. Especially since he's been raising our rent every other month for six months...) It's not a life or death issue though, so...

How in the world do people learn when it's okay to be angry and how angry is appropriate? Seems like something little kids should learn. How did I miss learning?

In unrelated news: I think I ate nothing but carbs today. D: I went to the farmer's market and got the most wonderful carbs things. Corn on the cob that was as sweet as candy. I've never had corn that sweet before! AMAZING.

Unfortunately the strawberries I got weren't very good. Booths always get me with samples though, I feel like if I take a sample, I really should buy from them, which is just totally wrong.

I bought bread, which is something I never do at the farmer's market. Mmm, fresh baked rolls. Silly me bought way too many though. "Oh? It's okay to buy bread this week? THEN I WANT ALL OF IT GIMME!". I wonder if rolls freeze? I'm going to have to try that.

RP: As in, I RPed! Finally, eee! It's not a deadline at all, but I had a goal of going back to RP by the end of the month. I had a long scene with the wonderful prettyredeyes, and after that came about a reason for further RP: Thistle's going to throw himself into the world of sex, ha ha! (Edit: I suspect that sentence sounds so wrong...) He's got old, outdated opinions about sexuality in his head, and he has to figure out how to get them changed. I suspect it will make for some mighty amusing RP!

One day I'll make a WoW post, but by then I'll likely forget all the things I wanted to post about. :P I guess I should do it now:
- Crossed the 90K HK mark, but decided no rush to do the last 10K before MoP, since after MoP I could get XP for BGs as well.
- Finished the Hellscream's Reach rep (with mostly just TBs, I only did three or four days of dailies), got my ghost wolf mount. YAY YAY YAY I love that mount so much but never thought I'd get it.
- I now own nearly every heirloom in the game, JP and honor both. I have honor coming out of my ears and nothing else to spend it on.
- I'm strongly considering getting a second WoW account even though I REALLY don't want to. (I know, I know, so why am I considering it?) It's just that it would be so handy, would make making money easier, I could get a RAF mount, and I have 10/10 85s on my first account, so there's no use for all those heirlooms. And more alts = more goldmaking!

Comments

[djinni.livejournal.com]

I don't think there's an okay time to be angry, and a time when it's not okay, nor do I think that there's a threshold of an amount of anger one needs to feel before one is justified in acting on it. If you feel angry, regardless of the situation, that emotion is valid. I think it's more of an issue of making sure you're empowered to express that anger in a responsible way. No amount of anger justifies acting in a hurtful way. I prefer to look at it in terms of boundaries that need to be set or are being crossed, and looking at anger as a way for me to figure out where my boundaries are.
In this situation, I'd say it's a pretty good idea to stay on the owner's case about needing the repair done. It's a reasonable need, and it's reasonable to press if that need's not being met by the person who is responsible for taking care of that. If it were me, I would keep pressing until I receive a reply and that reply is followed up with an actual visit which results in a satisfactory repair, but I would try to use my anger as motivation to follow through with my attempts at contact - I would try to keep the communication itself as polite and professional as possible, while stressing that the repair you need is not something you can ignore - it's interfering with your ability to use your shower.
If I ran into more trouble from the owner not following-through, it would be equally appropriate to find out what community resources there are to protect renter's rights, and let him know that I'd be pursuing that protection if the issue is not handled by a certain time, and then follow through with that.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I think my sticking point had been this:

I would try to keep the communication itself as polite and professional as possible, while stressing that the repair you need is not something you can ignore

I wanted to write an angry email, but I think trying to be as professional and polite as possible is always the better idea. I tend to write angry emails or posts of whatever, then moments later feel bad for doing so.

Good idea on looking into renters' rights, too. Problem is, he's a lawyer, so I'm always wary about my interactions with him.

[chastise-spam.livejournal.com]

Oh god, Phinny is going to spew tea on her tome, isn't she?

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

I suspect so! :D Heh heh heh.

[wow-hazmat.livejournal.com]

In regards to your bathtub, if there's standing water in it, try using a toilet plunger. We used to live in a place where the tub drain clogged regularly, and using a plunger saved us oodles of cash on Draino and stuff like that.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Oh, I wouldn't have thought of that. Thanks, I'll try it next time!

[firebyrd.livejournal.com]

It's almost certainly your hair that's doing this (as a fellow long hair wearer, I've caused this to various extents myself). If you've got the kind of drain plug that you pull up and down at the drain itself (as opposed to the kind that you hit a lever on the side of the tub below the faucet), see if you can unscrew it. If you can, there's probably a crossbar below the drain plug that's covered in your hair. We actually need to clean ours out again due to this right now, ankle deep water when showering ftw.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Yep, I'm sure it's my hair. The apartment next to mine shares my pipes/drains/whatever, and she has really long hair too. Together we're DOOM for the drains.

Unfortunately we have the lever kind. :/

[firebyrd.livejournal.com]

Awww, that sucks. I have no idea how to clear those ones, alas. The nice thing is that it's harder to get hair down them in the first place, but then once it is...

[gconnor.livejournal.com]

I agree with djinni here: whatever you feel is OK, so at the very least, be aware of it and be honest with yourself about how you feel. How you choose to act on it is something different, but first, take your own emotional temperature and think about how you feel (THIS is actually the "life skill" that people don't often have--instead they "act out" and spew bile on others and do things they regret, and only later they might think "Oh why did I do that? Well, I must have been quite angry")

Once you know you are angry about something, you can then make the choice to either 1. don't say anything, 2. Say "I'm upset about this," or 3. Act out in other ways like raising your voice, hanging up on them, name-calling or whatever. I'm a big fan of 2. Say "I'm upset about this" in a calm clear voice. Nothing says "I am in touch with my feelings AND also in control" like stating what you think and how you feel using clear "I think" and "I feel" statements.

If it is this second part you are not sure about, pick up a copy of "Crucial Confrontations" -- it is all about confronting people (talking about their behavior problems, failures, missed expectations, etc) in a "safe" way -- usually by making the *other* person feel more safe rather than more threatened. It is a totally rare skill... most people just sort of ride the line between 1. and 3. by bottling it up, spewing a while, and then slamming the lid down again.

One thing I try to keep in mind is, what is my relationship to this person already, and do I want a better relationship, or do I not really care about improving the relationship? Sometimes, if we don't already have a level of trust, then it's safer (for both of us) to not say how I feel -- after all, he is not my "friend" and how I feel is none of his business unless I choose to share. But if it is a friend, I always share how I feel about them -- that's part of my definition of "friend".

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you! This was good to read.

I'm going to try to be more of a "I'm upset about this" person. The few times I lash out in anger, it's just like you said: "Oh why did I do that?" and kicking myself over it.

*heads to Amazon for a closer look at the book!*

[veloxe.livejournal.com]

Just remember something about anger; you control your anger, not the other way around. Over time I've generally just figured that if I'm angry about something then I'm going to let whoever is relevant to that anger know about it. To quote my father, "It's about finding the line and showing enough anger so they know you are mad, but not so much that they have grounds to kick you out of the store."

I look at all emotions as basically tools that I have. Now, I can't always control when I use those tools (like when I get down for a day or just really angry for no discernible reason) but I can choose to put the tool away or use it to get something done. I know I've used anger towards people to get things done which I normally wouldn't have. Not in a negative way but either for a positive reason or to bring about change in a situation I am displeased with.

Like awhile back we had this really bad employee at work and one night when it was me and him working. We had a huge amount of stuff to do I pretty much took my anger towards him shrugging off the job that needed to be done and moved it towards finishing the work by myself. After it was done I left a note for my manager (who was in the next morning) explaining why things weren't completely done and letting him know how I felt on the situation. I could have completely flipped out and tore into the guy about his performance and taken us both down in flames. Instead I turned around the used the tool (the anger) to get the majority of the work accomplished anyways and improve my own situation by now having to work with him anymore.

Overall when I deal with anger (or any emotion really) I do a couple things.

-First, identify what's causing the emotion specifically. Like, you're not angry that the shower isn't draining (you're annoyed at that) but that it isn't being fixed despite contact to get it fixed.

-Second, identify who needs to know about it. Ok, the people who need to know about it are the handyman (since he has to fix it) and the owner (since he's the contact to getting it fixed).

-Third, act accordingly based on responsibility of the parties involved. I'd focus on the owner since he is definitely the biggest guilty party here. It's hard to know the situation that handyman is in so at the very least I'd let it be known I was disappointed that he didn't show up on the agreed day or at least contact you to explain why he couldn't make it. If there was a reason, fine, but at least have some professional courtesy.

-Fourth, "Never give up, never surrender!" -Galaxy Quest. You get in contact with the owner one way or another and make sure they know it will be fixed. It won't be fixed later, it will be fixed now. You were fine with waiting before but the time for waiting is over! It might sound selfish but that would only be if this was the first time you brought it up, but it's not. Take no quarter, man the catapults! Tonight we go to war! Or, you know, at least to more strongly worded emails... :P

Just remember, anger is your tool. You're not angers tool. It feels good to just lash out when you're angry since it's a stress reliever. But that's what the anger wants, it wants out all at once. It's like fighting a fire. If you just pop open the hydrant and let all the water out it might put out the fire. But odds are everything else will get wet, then burned to the ground. You need a fire hose to concentrate the water to put out the fires while doing minimal water damage to the surrounding area. (I must be really tired if I'm resorting to metaphors)

As for WoW, can't you just spend honour on crafting mats to sell? I'm pretty sure you can, you should do that. Since if anything we know you need more gold.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

To quote my father, "It's about finding the line and showing enough anger so they know you are mad, but not so much that they have grounds to kick you out of the store."

Ha ha ha, your dad is the best. (Have you called him lately? I'd love to get another video from him to all of your friends trying to get you to call! :D )

Thanks for the advice on the rest! You are as wise in the ways of anger as you are of everything else. :D

As for WoW, can't you just spend honour on crafting mats to sell? I'm pretty sure you can, you should do that. Since if anything we know you need more gold.

Yeah, but it's so "expensive" that it's just insulting. Like 3750 honor for one Maelstrom Crystal or 1500 for a couple herbs. Once I have every heirloom I suppose I'll buy them, since otherwise the honor will go to waste, but still... doesn't make me happy.

But you're right! NEED MORE GOLD! :D

[veloxe.livejournal.com]

Ya, the idea was you would have spent the honour on everything possible and then just thrown it at the mats since it's better then watching it go to waste.

Also yes, I am filled with as much wisdom that a 23 year old body can be filled with. Or maybe that's mountain dew, I'm unsure on that point.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Mountain Dew, wisdom, what's the difference? (I SMELL A NEW ADVERTISEMENT)

And yeah, makes sense on the honor. I guess that would be (slightly) better than throwing it away.

[halogin.livejournal.com]

Caolan can recommend a perfectly reputable, clean, well-run brothel for Thistle in which he can learn more about the world of sex.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Ha ha ha ha. I think Thistle would explode (poor word choice!) before going to a brothel himself. Small steps!

[liedra.livejournal.com]

Lots of good advice here re: anger, but I'll give you some on how to deal with lazy apartment managers - ring them up and actually talk to them, don't email them. And then ring them every day until they deal with it. Email is a lot easier to dismiss - an annoyed sounding person on the other end of the phone not so much.

I am the type who will email if I can too, so I can completely understand a lack of willingness to want to phone, but you honestly really do get better results if you talk to someone. If they have an office or something where you can visit them, that's even better than a phone call, too.

Good luck!!

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's exactly right... I just avoid talking to people if I can get away with emailing. Next time I shall man up and call him though!

Thanks. :)

[prettyredeyes.livejournal.com]

I'm sure I've no business even putting my two cents in. We haven't furnished our apartment. We have a bedroom set and a large telly and my computer desk, etc. Basically everything I bought from Ikea with my own cash before I moved. Picked up the glorious set when we moved here because WE COULD. We also have kitchen appliances and all the necessities there.

But the living room is empty except for some book cases and boxes I still have because there's stuff there's no point in unpacking with nothing to put them on.

To make a long story short, our shower does something similar AND the hot and cold faucets don't work properly. You can get Mordor-hot water with a full, happy, powerful stream but the cold water comes out of the lower faucet and not the shower head and therefore contributes very little to cooling the shower water. I take a shower under a pathetic stream of lukewarm water rather than call maintenance WHO I LIVE ACROSS FROM (their office is literally across the hallway from my apartment). Why? I've lived here since last August and don't want to explain whyyyyyy my living room is an empty mess.

TL;DR your anger at this point is justified.

Also, let us bond because you don't know what to do about anger and I don't know how to handle my social phobias. XD

But the owner and maintenance are not doing their jobs, so you have a right as a paying tenant to complain fiercely at that point. Anger is justified in the situation. The line comes between a rational sort of anger and the screaming fit sort (which is the sort I am familiar with because my mom is prone to it). That sort, of course, only makes things worse. I think you'll be fine, not seeming to be the type to scream your head off at people. XD

In other news, I wish I could be a fly on that wall when Thistle goes exploring things about sex. XDDDD

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Oh ha ha ha, I know exactly where you're coming from. I clean my apartment when repair people are coming! How stupid is that? It's my (and your!) apartment, what's it matter what someone else things? EXCEPT IT DOES

In other news, I wish I could be a fly on that wall when Thistle goes exploring things about sex. XDDDD

He went to see a married couple last night, intending to start working on that, then chickened out and didn't even bring it up. Ha ha!

[ani-mama.livejournal.com]

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself! After bad service like that you are more than justified.

I have to clean out the drain frequently because my long hair creates hairballs o'doom. The plumber put a little crossbar thing right near the top of the drain so it would be easy to clean out. Maybe you can get one of those? Draino type of things never seem to work for me.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have long hair too, so I get the same problem.

The crossbar thing sounds really handy! I'm going to check the hardware store and see if there's something like that I can do myself. (Slip in, something like that, since I'm renting.)