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thistlechaserI've spent many of the last couple evenings and all of this weekend reading RP logs. They took place almost a year ago to the day, but thanks to my faulty memory, I don't remember hardly any of it. It's a wonderful thing to be able to read your own writing with totally fresh eyes and not know where the story is going.
However, though it didn't start out that way, this is a darned dark and depressing story. This was a SA (Story Arc, longer than a TP) I ran, about a gang of bikers. A PC met up with them and came to join them. The NPC cast, in order of their rank:
Jesse - Hurt badly (physically) in the past (by someone like the PC), and every time it's wet (rain, fog, storm threatening) in much physical pain. Apparently it rained a whole lot that summer. (Coded weather, out of anyone's hands to control.) Willing to use people, even though he loved them.
Nicky - Dark, quiet, restless man. A type of... "madness" (for lack of a better term or a few pages of explanation) inside him.
Doc - Believer in the past, in This Is How Things Are Done.
Mouse - Sadly too stereotypically named. Someone should have shot me when I named him that. Biggest man of the group, and though most muscular, most caring as well. Mother hen. (Perhaps cursed by his name, he was the weakest character in my mind.)
Cody - Masochistic. (Started as a rather throw-away NPC, but developed into a real character. Added in proofreading: And yet he gets only a one word summery. Nice.)
Slash - Lowest man on the totem pole in a society where rank meant everything. After being used and abused, he pulled himself a little higher -- but not without great cost. Manic, mercurial, and unable to communicate without cursing with at least every other word. Insane, but in a (usually) functional way.
Tommy - I wrote about him and his end a long time back. Like Slash, but was young and hadn't pulled himself up yet. Broken (in spirit, emotionally, and physically) by the PC in question. Rebuilt -- but how can one human rebuild another, turning him around and building that new person on falsehoods, and expect it to hold (let alone succeed and thrive)?
The plot: Far from set in stone, it revolved around the PC joining the group and having to deal with so many different (and similar) personalities.
The SA worked, at least until the end drew near and lots of threads of the storyline were completed, leaving us with not much else to do besides... end it.
One death by accident, two deaths because of that accident, one death (Tommy's) at the hand of the PC. Two NPCs left standing at the end of months of RP during nearly every waking hour. From work, from home, when the PC and I were supposed to be sleeping. All this time to get these six men into my head, then kill them off.
Perhaps forgetting isn't such a bad thing. I'm still reading through all the logs, Tommy has already been broken and remade (yet is in some ways worse off now), and death is near. I am... depressed. The RP was good, especially when the end wasn't in sight and I didn't know most all of the NPCs would end up dead, but now I know.
They're just characters. They're not even... they're /only/ characters from my head. NPCs, not even real PCs, but it hurts. This laughing, loving, /alive/ group of men will soon be dead... though in truth they're already dead (the RP happened a year ago, after all), but in truth they never lived, so how can it be depressing me that they're going to die?
I actually played Animal Crossing for an hour yesterday and again today. I needed it. Bright colors, happy music, and the only stress in it is that I can't find a damned spider to catch.
I'm so tired of being sad and depressed. I basically haven't RPed since the SA ended. I feel like I should, I want to want to RP, but... I fell off the horse so long ago, it's hard to get back on. Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy RP tends to be boring -- you need conflict, angst, all that stuff in it... but... I don't want to make more characters, get attached to them, then watch them die. I can't. However, you also cannot say 'I'll RP, but no death!', as that's hardly fair to other people, plot, or yourself.
I feel like this post should have some conclusion, some great truth I've learned from this. I don't have one. I'll keep reading the logs, and I'll probably cry at the end, but just stopping reading them doesn't seem an option.
Part of me is annoyed I'm being affected by this -- I know the ending, I wrote half of this damned novel-length story, so why the hell is it bothering me? Maybe that's a sign that it's good... but should a writer be affected by their own work? Doesn't seem like they should...
However, though it didn't start out that way, this is a darned dark and depressing story. This was a SA (Story Arc, longer than a TP) I ran, about a gang of bikers. A PC met up with them and came to join them. The NPC cast, in order of their rank:
Jesse - Hurt badly (physically) in the past (by someone like the PC), and every time it's wet (rain, fog, storm threatening) in much physical pain. Apparently it rained a whole lot that summer. (Coded weather, out of anyone's hands to control.) Willing to use people, even though he loved them.
Nicky - Dark, quiet, restless man. A type of... "madness" (for lack of a better term or a few pages of explanation) inside him.
Doc - Believer in the past, in This Is How Things Are Done.
Mouse - Sadly too stereotypically named. Someone should have shot me when I named him that. Biggest man of the group, and though most muscular, most caring as well. Mother hen. (Perhaps cursed by his name, he was the weakest character in my mind.)
Cody - Masochistic. (Started as a rather throw-away NPC, but developed into a real character. Added in proofreading: And yet he gets only a one word summery. Nice.)
Slash - Lowest man on the totem pole in a society where rank meant everything. After being used and abused, he pulled himself a little higher -- but not without great cost. Manic, mercurial, and unable to communicate without cursing with at least every other word. Insane, but in a (usually) functional way.
Tommy - I wrote about him and his end a long time back. Like Slash, but was young and hadn't pulled himself up yet. Broken (in spirit, emotionally, and physically) by the PC in question. Rebuilt -- but how can one human rebuild another, turning him around and building that new person on falsehoods, and expect it to hold (let alone succeed and thrive)?
The plot: Far from set in stone, it revolved around the PC joining the group and having to deal with so many different (and similar) personalities.
The SA worked, at least until the end drew near and lots of threads of the storyline were completed, leaving us with not much else to do besides... end it.
One death by accident, two deaths because of that accident, one death (Tommy's) at the hand of the PC. Two NPCs left standing at the end of months of RP during nearly every waking hour. From work, from home, when the PC and I were supposed to be sleeping. All this time to get these six men into my head, then kill them off.
Perhaps forgetting isn't such a bad thing. I'm still reading through all the logs, Tommy has already been broken and remade (yet is in some ways worse off now), and death is near. I am... depressed. The RP was good, especially when the end wasn't in sight and I didn't know most all of the NPCs would end up dead, but now I know.
They're just characters. They're not even... they're /only/ characters from my head. NPCs, not even real PCs, but it hurts. This laughing, loving, /alive/ group of men will soon be dead... though in truth they're already dead (the RP happened a year ago, after all), but in truth they never lived, so how can it be depressing me that they're going to die?
I actually played Animal Crossing for an hour yesterday and again today. I needed it. Bright colors, happy music, and the only stress in it is that I can't find a damned spider to catch.
I'm so tired of being sad and depressed. I basically haven't RPed since the SA ended. I feel like I should, I want to want to RP, but... I fell off the horse so long ago, it's hard to get back on. Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy RP tends to be boring -- you need conflict, angst, all that stuff in it... but... I don't want to make more characters, get attached to them, then watch them die. I can't. However, you also cannot say 'I'll RP, but no death!', as that's hardly fair to other people, plot, or yourself.
I feel like this post should have some conclusion, some great truth I've learned from this. I don't have one. I'll keep reading the logs, and I'll probably cry at the end, but just stopping reading them doesn't seem an option.
Part of me is annoyed I'm being affected by this -- I know the ending, I wrote half of this damned novel-length story, so why the hell is it bothering me? Maybe that's a sign that it's good... but should a writer be affected by their own work? Doesn't seem like they should...
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Date: 2003-04-28 06:29 am (UTC)It's the absolute truth. For some reason, all my female characters end up having bright-and-sunny personalities, while my male characters all have their demons to face. Why this is, I don't know, but I sort of tire of playing the females... while the males and their problems keep things interesting. I basically look at it the same way I look at 'static' characters. Any good story involves its main character changing somehow over the course of the story. Could be for the best, could be for the worse. The only stories where characters aren't somehow emotionally different by the end are picture books for very young children. A story where the character only ever has happy experiences and their outlook always stayed the same is a boring read. To use a term feely_burn and I would sing to the rafters-- angst is yummy.
I don't want to make more characters, get attached to them, then watch them die. I can't.
Silly as this may sound, I'd be proud of yourself Thistle. You've managed to write characters so vivid and so real, that you become emotionally attached to them. I hate to bring up anime like this, but I think it's an excellent example. When you watch anime, you eventually learn not to attach yourself to characters. Why? Unlike in most American animation, you are not guaranteed a happy ending. It's not rare for a main character to die at the end of the series, or for the bad guy to win. I've actuallly caught myself crying at the end of a few of my favorite series because a character I'd learned to admire doesn't win in the end. Series creators would consider this the ultimate compliment. To them it means they managed to create a strong characer.
What can I do? I certainly can't change the ending of the series... nor would I really want to. Would the character have had as great of an impact on me had they lived? All I can do is move on, and learn to 'love' again.
How boring life would truly be, without tragedy.
End babble!
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Date: 2003-04-28 08:04 am (UTC)*giggle* I love abusing feeling_bums. And yeah, angst is yummy, but in a way it's costly as well. It's like smoking crack (heh), it seems good at the time, but in the end the cost of it builds and you have to pay eventually.
Silly as this may sound, I'd be proud of yourself Thistle. You've managed to write characters so vivid and so real, that you become emotionally attached to them.
Thanks!
When you watch anime, you eventually learn not to attach yourself to characters.
That's a skill I seem to be lacking. I have no idea how to not get emotionally attached to things. Kittens, doomed characters, I love them and take them into my heart even though I know it'll hurt me in the end... I don't know how to stop that...
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Date: 2003-04-28 07:05 am (UTC)As the player of the PC in question, the SA was an absolute blast, from finish to end, and though the end of it was a massively painful thing for both of us (I got attached to the NPCs too), it's something I'm still intensely grateful to Thistle for having run. It was incredible, from start to finish, a deep exploration of parts of my character's mind and what certain events and emotions would do to him. He grew up a lot and changed in ways I hadn't foreseen, did things I hadn't know he could do and hadn't thought were possible for him - and then it ended, and I was physically crying for weeks every time I thought about it. A song on the radio got attached to it, and I'd cry when I heard that too. I've been blinking back tears through part of writing this comment, and I generally don't cry much.
You said yourself, Thistle, that you didn't remember most of it - I do, though. You're reading it through fresh eyes, I'm reading it with fond but sorrowful recollection. It had such an effect on both of us, and though it's depressing as all hell it's uplifting too. Even a man like Grayson can find a place for himself, even a truly evil person can find those who're willing to be friends and more, learn how normal people live and deal with each other and actually find a place where he doesn't have to hide in plain sight. He's been different since he joined the gang, even though the differences don't show often.
Grayson is an angst-magnet, it's true. He wasn't meant to be that way, but there's been an awful lot that wasn't meant to happen, with him. I'm glad it did, though. Can we do something a little happier next time if there is a next time, please? Not every story has to end badly, even when Grayson's involved, and putting a little happiness back into his life would be nice. Between the gang and Jack and Sly, he's had a lot to cope with. ;)
Oh, and there were three survivors besides Jim, boss. Two who moved on to go and do their own thing, and one who Grayson found a new life for...
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Date: 2003-04-28 08:00 am (UTC)Dealing with the gang was like trying to track a litter of kittens: I'd know where most of them were, but there was almost always one that got away. Slash was under the chair! I missed him this time.
Slash is the one brightspot at the end of this, yeah. While his life may not have /improved/, it's certainly gotten little or no worse... and to him that'd be a fine and dandy thing.
Can we do something a little happier next time if there is a next time, please? Not every story has to end badly, even when Grayson's involved, and putting a little happiness back into his life would be nice. Between the gang and Jack and Sly, he's had a lot to cope with. ;)
Yes! But the question is, what? That'll take some pondering, because too often 'happy' = 'boring', at least in anything longer than a scene or two.
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Date: 2003-04-28 07:51 pm (UTC)But anyways. My real point.
No, I don't think it's unusually for a writer to get into their own work. I mean, really. I do. Sure, I'm a freak who gets too obsessed with things, but still. If you don't get emotionally into your work, how are you going to make it good enough that other people will be touched? That's the tough part about writing. A lot of heart and soul and laughter and tears goes into it. So when you let other people read things that you've written, you're showing a lot of yourself to them.
Second... ah, my bitter and jealous side gets its chance now. I know it's rough, getting so involved in characters and scenes and plots and all that wonderful stuff. But you know? It's cool. Like that saying goes: Better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all. Which would you prefer? Never having experienced the stuff you did, having had that incredible story come out? Or are you sort of glad it all happened, even if it makes you cry? Personally, I'd kill to be involved in something so big and huge and wonderful. To be good enough to have my characters become real like that, and have someone else who enjoys working with you enough that you can make big, complex storylines happen.
You've had a rocking, if not depressing storyline. So take a break from that and do something not so draining. Doesn't need to be fluff and daisies, doesn't need to be doom and gloom. Just RP when you feel like it, relax, have fun.
Honestly, you people who turn RP into a contest are nutters... stop being so darned competitive! You're all wonderful, you've proven it! So chill out and have fun!
... Okay. I'm done ranting now. Really.