Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz my Head
Nov. 1st, 2002 01:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thistlechaserIt's a day of thick mental fog. I've slept more this week than I ever slept in a work week (7-7.5 hours a night! That's vacation sleeping patterns!), but I just feel so totally out of it.
I'm sitting here with time to write and can't even think of anything. I mean, literally nothing. Not that I can't think of anything to write, I have no thoughts in my head. That's odd, usually I have sixteen conversations going on at once.
I lost my creativity today. That special MUSH project I mentioned in my friends-only post is going well, but I did nothing on it today. My creativity is off with my thoughts, taking in a movie or something.
Christmas is coming. I really, really hate Christmas. All of December depresses me greatly, what with both Christmas and my birthday in it. No one in my family ever knows what I want as a gift. This is because I'm lucky enough not to want/need anything. I'm happy with my life as it is, and if I have some material need I have enough money to go get it. I'd rather my mother and sister keep their money, because they have less of it, but both always want to get me stuff. Then that makes me even more sad, because they're spending money they need on stuff I don't need, but they do it because they love me... but I don't want them to because I love them. See? Kinda goes in a circle.
I'm going to get my mother a computer for Christmas. She says she wants to learn how to use one, but I got her an email machine last year and she just sort of stopped using it. Maybe she'll stick with the computer. I got my sister and her family a computer last year. She has two small kids, so IMO it was a good gift. They like it a lot and the kids really know how to use it even though they're very young (like 1 and 2 or something).
My family has always gone Christmas-crazy, and I don't mean just with the decorations. Too many gifts for each other. Even when we say we'll limit it to X number or X dollars, that never sticks. Sigh.
Then of course are the lovely Christmas memories of my father being around. If my sister and I had a fight, he took gifts from under the tree and gave them to neighborhood kids. If one of us ate something before dinner, he'd take the whole damned tree down. He was a fucked up man, and while we were lucky when my mother finally got him out of the house, he did lots of damage before he was gone.
I think my sister actually got the worse end of the stick with him. I was the smarter, more book-ish (...tech support call...) sister and my sister was the more social, anti-book one. My father, thinking himself a wise man, liked me better because of that. (Though sometimes he'd flip-flop.) One Christmas he gave me a computer, set of like 30 books, a whole new wardrobe, and 75-ish other gifts. And my sister? He gave her a pair of jeans, then when she tried them on he told her she looked fat in them.
So yeah. And one last dear old dad tale: Once he was gone, he always picked Christmas to pull crap on my mother. Things like trying to sue her for insane reasons. One Christmas he sent some big man over to harass her, trying to make her "let" my sister and I see him (she and I had decided we never wanted to see him again on our own).
So anyway, kinda long post for a head full of nothing, huh? If it was up to me, we'd skip the whole month of December, but we can't and so I'll just hold on tight and wait for January.
I'm sitting here with time to write and can't even think of anything. I mean, literally nothing. Not that I can't think of anything to write, I have no thoughts in my head. That's odd, usually I have sixteen conversations going on at once.
I lost my creativity today. That special MUSH project I mentioned in my friends-only post is going well, but I did nothing on it today. My creativity is off with my thoughts, taking in a movie or something.
Christmas is coming. I really, really hate Christmas. All of December depresses me greatly, what with both Christmas and my birthday in it. No one in my family ever knows what I want as a gift. This is because I'm lucky enough not to want/need anything. I'm happy with my life as it is, and if I have some material need I have enough money to go get it. I'd rather my mother and sister keep their money, because they have less of it, but both always want to get me stuff. Then that makes me even more sad, because they're spending money they need on stuff I don't need, but they do it because they love me... but I don't want them to because I love them. See? Kinda goes in a circle.
I'm going to get my mother a computer for Christmas. She says she wants to learn how to use one, but I got her an email machine last year and she just sort of stopped using it. Maybe she'll stick with the computer. I got my sister and her family a computer last year. She has two small kids, so IMO it was a good gift. They like it a lot and the kids really know how to use it even though they're very young (like 1 and 2 or something).
My family has always gone Christmas-crazy, and I don't mean just with the decorations. Too many gifts for each other. Even when we say we'll limit it to X number or X dollars, that never sticks. Sigh.
Then of course are the lovely Christmas memories of my father being around. If my sister and I had a fight, he took gifts from under the tree and gave them to neighborhood kids. If one of us ate something before dinner, he'd take the whole damned tree down. He was a fucked up man, and while we were lucky when my mother finally got him out of the house, he did lots of damage before he was gone.
I think my sister actually got the worse end of the stick with him. I was the smarter, more book-ish (...tech support call...) sister and my sister was the more social, anti-book one. My father, thinking himself a wise man, liked me better because of that. (Though sometimes he'd flip-flop.) One Christmas he gave me a computer, set of like 30 books, a whole new wardrobe, and 75-ish other gifts. And my sister? He gave her a pair of jeans, then when she tried them on he told her she looked fat in them.
So yeah. And one last dear old dad tale: Once he was gone, he always picked Christmas to pull crap on my mother. Things like trying to sue her for insane reasons. One Christmas he sent some big man over to harass her, trying to make her "let" my sister and I see him (she and I had decided we never wanted to see him again on our own).
So anyway, kinda long post for a head full of nothing, huh? If it was up to me, we'd skip the whole month of December, but we can't and so I'll just hold on tight and wait for January.
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Whoa!
Date: 2002-11-01 02:16 pm (UTC)I think the source of the 'overspending' is right here in this post. Skimping on Christmas was directly used to 'punish' your sister in the past, so it's emotionally difficult for her or your mother to not overcompensate, spend too much, and leave no doubt that they really care. You seem to have an opposite reaction - since Christmas is associated with emotional abuse, you want nothing to do with it.
(And there's no doubt in my mind that you suffered some serious emotional abuse from your father, just from what's above. Sometimes, people close to such a thing have a hard time seeing it, particularly at the time.)
My advice: try and establish some new traditions. The old ones are tainted, sure. So find something to do that doesn't remind you of the ghosts of past christmases, and rebuild. It's not like there isn't family bonds that are strong, there are, and that's worth enjoying. If we don't let ourselves continue to be hurt by the people in our past, we win.
Good luck!
Re: Whoa!
Date: 2002-11-01 02:33 pm (UTC)If that's the case, I would love to arrange something with you. I had a wonderful time the last time I spent Christmas in the Bay Area, and I'm sure we could do something equally low key and fun then! But, we'll see. :)
Re: Whoa!
Date: 2002-11-01 03:06 pm (UTC)Re: Whoa!
Date: 2002-11-01 03:04 pm (UTC)