I'm an atheist... and apparently a Muslim!

[thistlechaser]

Link from gconnor: The hundred "greatest" quotes found on Creationist/Fundamentalist chatboards. I'm only up to #5 and I'm laughing out loud!

The very first quote was the source of the subject line:
No, everyone is born Christian. Only later in life do people choose to stray from Jesus and worship satan instead. Atheists have the greatest "cover" of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are actually a different sect of Muslims.
*rolls!* Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over. I'm having to struggle not to laugh even rereading that.

The fifth one is killing me and it's the reason I'm posting before reading the other 95. (Will I be able to read 95 more of these? Without dying of laughter?)

This is what it would be like, if the majority of people were athiests.
(Kid comes home, tells his mother he's going to "fuck a hooker" and then go do some drugs. Mother is all "Oh, okay! Don't be late getting home!" Father arrives home...)
ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don't go in the bedroom.
ATHIEST DAD: Why not?
ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men fucking eachother in there.
ATHIEST DAD: Why are they here?
ATHIEST MOM: I wanted to watch them do it for awhile. They just aren't finished yet.
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, that's fine with me!

Yay for being an atheist! I can get live porn (in my bedroom!) whenever I like! ...I just hope they clean up after themselves.

Edit: Oh god, I can't do it, I can't read more of these because I'm going to laugh out loud at work:

I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie

Comments

[peppygrowlithe.livejournal.com]

I didn't make it as far as you. I got a couple smiles on the first few, and a frown for the poor kid who committed suicide and his mother.

I feel kind of guilty to admit that... it just dissipated when I saw this.

These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down.

Oh sweet Murgatroyd. I lost it. In conjunction with the physical inaccuracies before it, this is the funniest thing I may have ever read.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I felt really bad about the kid who killed himself (how can people like these be parents? ; ; ), but I got back to laughing pretty darned quick.

I want to read these so badly, but it's so hard not to laugh!

[peppygrowlithe.livejournal.com]

Oh sweet heavens. Oh my god.

several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys dont live several million years

*is absolutely positively dying right now*

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Ha ha, I'm up to that part, too!

How can anyone beleive we evolved from monkeys heres a few questions for people who beleive that

1.If we did evolve from monkeys then how come babies arent born monkeys

Yeah! You tell them, smart guy!

[peppygrowlithe.livejournal.com]

You are banned. You are not a Christian for Christians don't accuse brothers and sisters in Christ of being non-Christian.

This is incredible. I am so in love with you right now, Thistle.

I know there are good intelligent thoughtful Christians out there. I've had the pleasure of talking to Cara/Rix enough about it to know. There are idiots in every forum you can go to.

And still, why do I imagine there are probably choruses of agreement to some of this? Really, I suspect the 'good' Christians are as flabbergasted as we are.

In conclusion:

A woman wants to abort a rape child? She should have thought of that before she walked down that dark alley without a male prescence, not to mention she should have thought before putting on revealing attire.

Are you calling them victims now? Should've stayed in the house where it's safe.

Make me a sandwich, Thistle!

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

*pokes* Ha ha ha! You need a new major!

Everyone knows scientists insist on using complex terminology to make it harder for True Christians to refute their claims.

Deoxyribonucleic Acid, for example... sounds impressive, right? But have you ever seen what happens if you put something in acid? It dissolves! If we had all this acid in our cells, we'd all dissolve! So much for the Theory of Evolution, Check MATE!

---

This is incredible. I am so in love with you right now, Thistle.

Then into my bedroom! And bring a friend!

Make me a sandwich, Thistle!

Well... if your friend is hot, then okay~! :E

[peppygrowlithe.livejournal.com]

That's incredible. I saw that one and laughed and refreshed to see if you were going to reply... so I could link you that very quote.

Did you see the one before it, about how a man can receive sexual pleasure from a baby or something? That's got to be a joke. I can't believe for the life of me that wouldn't be a joke.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Ugh, yes. I was hoping it was a joke, too.

Unfortunately these are getting less funny and more disturbing and sad as they go on. It's amazing how much "good, god-fearing" people can hate. :/

[ani-mama.livejournal.com]

Yup. Evolution must be a lie. Otherwise how could these idiots have survived in the modern world? ::head desk::

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

*snerks* Yeah...

[voidmagus.livejournal.com]

Man evolved from apes. Some of us are further along than others, I'd say.

While it'd be quite a stretch to call myself a Christian, I do think my beliefs fall under the theistic side of theology/theosophy. I have to admit though, these people scare me. I dated a girl for a few years who believed that kinda stuff, and argued with me constantly about cosmology, the problem of evil, and various other religion-based topics. What can I say, I was 17, and she was a cheerleader and choir-girl. The heathen in me couldn't resist.

Funny thing happened over the ensuing few years though...As she argued with me, she got smarter. As she started learning that all the arguments had happened before, many with actual logical conclusions (once she learned enough logic to understand it), she believed less and less of that nonsense. Still a Christian, but with *gasp* rationale! She came to accept evolution as a legitimate scientific theory, and much of the corollary works related to it. Never stopped going to church, though. (sadly, she hit 20 and started a fast downward spiral due to hereditary mental illness).

Point is, these people CAN learn. Isolated as they are, they suffer from severe intellectual inbreeding. The only people they have to bounce ideas off are OTHER crazies. Mental incest. The result is raving lunatics. If you take them out of their little corner, they can be taught to actually THINK instead of regurgitate. Or we can just firebomb their little corner. I'm ok with either.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

That's the thing about it. If someone wants to be religious, fine. However, when they try to bend reality around their beliefs, that's where my issues start.

No logic, no reason behind why they won't believe in evolution or any other scientific thing, just "I don't believe! I won't!".

I suppose it's a bit much to expect most people to be both religious and logical though. Kind of opposites and all. :/

[voidmagus.livejournal.com]

Usually, it seems that they're not initiated in the secret wisdom of Logic. It seems impossible, as "if a, then b. Not b, therefore not a" has been evident to me for as long as I've been capable of spelling "a" and "b". Its why I went into computers as a chosen field. Unfortunately, during childhood when such rules are put in place, most of these poor kids wound up with a hellfire&brimstone minister shouting a gospel of blissful ignorance. Ignore that which makes you uncomfortable. Ignore that which contradicts what I say. Etc... Irresponsible and improper parenting, sad to say, causes much of it. Leaving the raising of your children to a minister (or hell, anyone other than the parents) is as bad as leaving them to be raised by television.

Can't quite agree with religion and logic being irreconcilable, though. One explains things we can quantify, the other endeavors to explain things we can't. At least as I see it, the division should function as such. Religion functions as Schrödinger's cat-- the cat is neither dead nor alive, it is a cloud of possibilities, at least until we open the box. Theists like to assume the cat is alive. Atheists like to assume the cat is dead. Agnostics refuse to make a choice until the box is opened.

[danikar.livejournal.com]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe7yf9GJUfU

part 1 of a 2 part lecture from Richard Dawkins

its long but i think youll like it :)

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Oh thanks, that's so cool! I've watched about half of it between work stuff.

[donnaimmaculata.livejournal.com]

Best and most logical explanation ever:

[on why homosexuality is wrong and not natural]

When two guy's have sex they can only penetrate eachother through the crack which I think is disgusting because of all the crap that's in there. They both must face the same direction and thus one guy's twig and berries will be projecting from the two. Because no man has a vagina they can't become one flesh when having normal sex.

Women don't have Jimmy and his two buddies hanging around so they can't naturally penetrate eachother and become one flesh.

Oral with dudes can't be natural because the legs will be poking out from different directions as will the ladies if they participate in oral sex.

Oral with the opposite sex still isn't natural because you still have the leg issue and often someone is further down if they are not on top of eachother.

Anal with opposites is still excluded from natural sex because once again your are sticking your think in a crap hole and a womans tits are usually projecting outward.

When the Bible is speaking of becoming one flesh it literally means that there is nothing sticking out in the clear and that the man and woman are facing eachother. Face to Face.

Now I finally know what "becoming one flesh" truly means. Thank you.

You might like this one, too: Fundies say the darndest things

(More fun links are here. Make sure to check out the brick testament!)

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Isn't that the best? And thanks for the link!

[tamd.livejournal.com]

I can't believe I read most of that. :D Absolutely hilarious!

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Isn't it? :D

[gbeans.livejournal.com]

Cake is a lie.

I'm sorry, it had to be said. I'm stunned no one else got to it first...

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what this whole cake joke thing is about, sorry. :/ The extent of my knowledge is that it comes from that Portal game? I think? That's the grand total of what I know about it, so I'm missing the humor (if that's what you intended) in your reply. Sorry, I suck about game stuff!

[voidmagus.livejournal.com]

Aye, is from Portal. I recommend playing - it really isn't long. And if you don't feel up to that, you can always watch the youtube recordings of the game, level by level, start to finish. Definitely one of the most humorously written games of the year.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's a good idea! Thanks, I'll check out the video clips when I have time!

[citizenbleys.livejournal.com]

One of my friends posts links to FSTDT all the time.

Got to admit, though, I like the one about entropy. Oh, if only there was a massive energy source located outside of the Earth~!

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

*snickers* Yeah, if only! *rolls*

[iniadelphinae.livejournal.com]

Haha, I read that a few days ago and also noticed that math is apparently a sin according to the guy that said, "I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie."

Some of those comments are really frightening, though supposedly some of the most outrageous are from trolls.

Also, I'm not an atheist but actually do have the reaction from that above comment when people come to my house to "witness." Fail to find a problem with free live porn either :P

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I haven't read most of the comments yet! I guess I should. :D

[pomr.livejournal.com]

I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie

That's 4 words.

Apparently they can't count either. :)

[pomr.livejournal.com]

Please note, I don't have anything against any race, creed, or sexual orientation. I DO have a problem with people thrusting their beliefs - in any form - upon me.

That said -- the posts in that article were quite scary. I don't know which was worse, their narrow mindedness that often turned to pure hatred, or their pride in same.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

*snerks* So amusing. :D

[quistie.livejournal.com]

No way, that statement, like, completely proves that evolution is a lie! If evolution "works" correctly, then stupid people who can't count would never exist in today's world...presumably they would be too stupid to procreate.

So the fact that such people exist today proves that Darwin was totally wrong!

[ilanarama.livejournal.com]

*dies*

*doesn't go to Heaven*

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

*rolls* At least you'll be in good company? :D

[quistie.livejournal.com]

OMG, I'm secretly a Muslim!! And I'm too old to cope with a shiny new religious orientation. Despair, despair.

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

*bes a Muslim with you!*